FA TO THE STABMONKEYS

Printed in the National League South game v Braintree on Saturday 16th January 2021. We won 3-2 

I'm sure Shoreham Football Club have a cloning machine. On what could be their last game for a very long time, the Musselmen were at home to Oakwood. Everywhere I went (except thankfully the toilets) joint chairman Stuart Slaney's head popped up. On the tannoy, behind the bar, fixing the broken griddle in the kitchen that was cooking my veggie burger - which no doubt he'd prepared earlier in the day. While a decent crowd of 183 drunk the bar dry – even Stuarts wine he'd saved for himself – there was no swanning around in the boardroom to enjoy the spoils, just hours upon hours of work.

It was always a relentless job but a labour of love for officials and volunteers up and down the country. But the pandemic has added increasingly to that burden.

Scott Young is the chairman of Chalvey Sports who has grown more and more exasperated about the situation.

Nicknamed the Stabmonks, the club are older than Slough but had to up sticks from Chalvey Rec and move to Arbour Park to pass ground grading rules and gain promotion. Scott was born in Chalvey and so is a Stabmonk through and through. Playing, managing, volunteering and now chair of the club, while his brother is the manager.

But where did the name Stab Monk come from? Some time in the mid 1850's an Italian organ grinder from Windsor came to Chalvey Grove to earn a few pennies. A crowd of children started teasing the monkey, who bit one of them. The boys dad, after a session at the Cape of Good Hope Pub, then stabbed the monkey to death. When the organ-grinder lamented his loss, a collection was made, the man compensated, the corpse given a funeral and the remaining money spent on a wake! The following year it was agreed to repeat the wake; a Chalvey plasterer made a monkey cast and there was a mock funeral during which a man fell or was pushed into the Chalvey Brook. The soaking victim was then elected Mayor of Chalvey for the following year. The custom grew, with a funeral and wake every Whit-Monday and the election of a Mayor who of course first had to be pushed into the brook.

That brook is next to Montem Mound (a Scheduled Ancient Monument no less) and one of the places that could have been home to Queen Anne's Well. Water from this, described as Chalvey Spa, was taken to Windsor Castle for royalty to drink. I spent many an hour trying to find it, maybe thinking it could be more profitable than Peckham spring water.

The Stabmonks play in Step 6 of the footballing pryamid in the Hellenic Divison One East – about as far away to the Premier League as the sun is to the earth. Yet bound by the same rules and regulations while running on an entirely voluntary basis.

Chalvey play at Arbour Park and while Slough couldn't have fans being elite and all that, Chalvey could and were smart on social media, attracting bigger crowds desperate to watch some football.

I spoke to Scott to find out his thoughts about the current Tier 4 situation but first asked about the clubs relationship with Slough. 

Scott: "We have a great relationship with Slough Town, Kay Lathey (general secretary) is a massive help and I don't know where we would be without her help. It's always great for us when Slough tweet their support for our home matches. We get improved gates and its massively appreciated. It's also great to have the Slough Town Supporters Trust help Kay on match days with the hot food and bar and this makes it easier for us to encourage more people to come and watch us play. We played a friendly v Slough Town 18 months ago which was a dream for us and shows how far we have come in a relatively short space of time."

You've been very vocal about all the extra covid related work that has added to your role. What could the FA do to make this easier? 

Scott: "I think the FA could do a lot more to help other than just shift everything onto club volunteers, who are buckling under constant pressure with something new everyday. I believe that the FA should be producing the endless risk assessments and make changes to reflect the different levels of football from Step 1 down to Step 7 and lower.

"Making clubs play but behind closed doors is a joke. How can clubs at different levels survive without income? Look at the inconsistencies at Arbour Park this season. Slough, no fans, Chalvey allowed fans; then the tier changes and its no fans at all. Then allowing some clubs to start playing whilst others can't is a joke too. Leagues should only be starting when all the clubs in that league are ready and able to play with fans."  

Do you think this season will start up again?

Scott: It can't be a good thing to keep stopping and starting. It takes a lot of time to change risk assessments and all other Covid related things when you've got a full time job. Especially when you visit some opponents and they have nothing in place at all! And whilst you've got a small number of clubs doing nothing then the risk of infection increases match by match. So many people are up in arms when it's stopped, but look at the large number of games being cancelled due to COVID issues. There are more and more every week! I can't understand why the FA leaves the decisions to play or not down to the leagues themselves. They should lead and dictate what's happening and for me, they do nothing other than produce 'guidance notes' which just ramble on whilst putting pressure on an exhausted number of volunteers."  

Do you worry about the future of lower league football? 

Scott: "I think football needs to ask itself some tough questions. Financially, this pandemic puts many clubs at risk. We don't generate an income other than people through the gate which helps us pay for match day officials, kit wash, programmes and after match hospitality; without gate money it's not sustainable. Sponsorship next season will be difficult to come by. Companies need every penny to survive and may not have funds to support football clubs. This will see clubs having to drop levels or even fold and I believe that the FA have brought this financial headache to clubs even before the pandemic. Chalvey Sports lost a number of sponsors at the end of last season and we were very lucky to be able to continue at this level."

Once again we have to baton down the hatches and wait until a vaccine is rolled out. Let's hope when we come out the other side, people like Stuart and Scott get the support they need; not just from the footballing authorities but from people wanting to watch football in the flesh rather than on a TV screen. As Stuart says: "I just hope we don't lose any clubs and we can all get back to playing again soon."