THE SARDINE TRAIN TO CORNWALL

 

To be printed in the National League South game v Walton and Hersham Saturday 7^th November 2026

Someone once asked me what is it about football. She loves music, going to gigs and festivals, so I said imagine your best gig, the best song, the best atmosphere – that’s what football can be like. And at times in that away shed in Maidstone it felt like one of those moments...where the non stop noise from the impressive Rebel Army didn’t fall silent even in defeat. It was gutting as we deserved a point, but we really aren’t far off….

But let’s rewind. I awoke on a Saturday morning to my phone doing somersaults. One minute your rummaging around in bins looking for bargins, the next you are arriving by limo. We have a new investor. A seriously wealthy businessman from Kuwait taking a fancy to little old Slough. This wasn’t on my betting slip but I know the club have worked hard to make Arbour Park a place for business leaders to meet. Thankfully there was no ridiculous ‘Premier League in five years’ flannel and he’s already met with the Supporters Trust.

So off to Cornwall with a spring in our steps. A few years back I thought a trip to Cornwall to watch Slough play would be one off...so I embarked on a 22 hour round trip. My train broke down, the supporters coach broke down twice. It was bloody freezing and we arrived 5 minutes before kick off and lost 1-0. When I eventually climbed into bed, my wife opened her eyes and uttered that I was mad. It was hard to disagree. This time I would go for the more leisurely approach. Being half term I arranged to pitch up in Newquay for a few days. My £107 train ticket didn’t of course guarantee comfort. Infact the train guard was telling everyone packed like sardines that it was their fault. Er, maybe don’t oversell tickets, let anyone sit in first class when its this full and put on more bloody trains if you know its going to be rammed. There was no food or drink for hours as we trundled to the ends of England and getting to the loo was like one of those crazy Japanese game shows where the loser gets to wet themselves.

Newquay has a bit of the trendy surf about it, quirky but not in your face. All the drinking holes were closed by 10.30 on a Monday so an early night and my book. By lunchtime the next day, I’d enjoyed the beach, read some more, had some food; time to find Newquay Football Club. And what a delight. It should be on everyone's bucket and spade list. Now in the Western League Premier they are averaging over 400 a game. Cornish football is on the up.

If im in the area and I get a chance I always go and check out a lower league ground. Groundhopper? No, they get on my nerves, demanding programmes, parking, food and shelter without putting in any of the hard work of volunteering. I think everytime they reach 50 new grounds, they should be made to mop the toilets of whoever they are visiting.

An away trip should also mean getting the local paper although they are becoming as rare as the printed programme, and some newsagents don’t even bother selling papers anymore. No, I don’t want a rhubarb crumble flavoured vape thanks. There was a row about people living near the sea cliffs that are crumbling away and whose going to pay when the Council are millions in debt. Does climate change mean that some houses will eventually fall into the sea no matter what anyone does? I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions.

A got the scenic bus to Truro past cabbage fields, unpronounceable named villages, holiday parks and wind turbines and met with a few Slough in a local hostelry. One of the these Pete the Bridle told me he had a workmate who used to fly to Exeter then train to Truro because he was a Druid and they were a Druid football team! I don’t no if Pete had been enjoying the local ciders too much but I liked the story.

Truro’s rise has been impressive as has their ground going up quickly by the park and ride. But it is a bit of a soulless out of town mechano set compared to the historic place it represents. And not a touch on Newquay. They had planned to build a superstadium with the rugby team but that fell through thanks to a mixture of lack of council support, rugby finances and the need for the club to find a home quick.

Truro’s owners over the years have promised to become the first team ever in Cornwall to be in the football league. With over 2,000 packed in to watch Slough on a Tuesday night there’s definitely the appetite. But it was so quiet. Library? Nah, just football on a tin mine. Slough went ahead for the fourth time in a row but fell to another defeat and if I was a betting man I would say Truro will be up there come the end of the season.

As for Slough, a sprinkling of players old and new have arrived, Henry is back on the pitch and we deserved so much more against Maidstone. Bit quiet? ‘Der, der, der Deano built your library’ (well, he helped with the plumbing). It was soft segregation which makes as much sense as hybrid training. Alfie and his merry men marched to the top of the big stand and then the stewards marched them back down again. I’m sure there’s a nursery rhythm in their somewhere. But our support was unreal for a team on four points. It will come, but it has to be victory today if we want to continue playing at decent stadiums in front of big crowds.

You know what to do Rebel Army.