THE ALTERNATIVE SLOUGH TOWN AWARDS

To be printed in the National League South game v Dagenham and Redbridge Saturday 25th April 2026. Last game of the season.

So here we are, last game of the season. It’s been fun, frustrating, loud, drunken, nail biting, why did I bother, can’t believe I missed that one and everything inbetween – exactly what you’d expect in a football season.

Now to those awards

Best sounding ground/bin Whilst I looked fetching in my Bedfont Sports bin hat, it was the Tubular Bell sound of Dover's stands that win its. I’m going to record my next album there. Captain Henry also notable mention for climbing on the bins at Macclesfield to get the crowd going.

Better late than never...no not that 98th minute equalizer against Moaninghead or the last gasp cup winner against Enfield but the supporters bus to Maidstone. Still they did get to see us win.

Mullet of the year Jimmy the Mullet, who also wins cowboy boot of the year. And also making me, Vinny and Gaz the Sandwich Gooseberries of the Year for inviting us along to his first date when we were in Torquay. Honourable mention must also go to Jimmy for finding a piece of metal in his pint before last Saturdays game and then getting a free replacement and the phone number of the woman serving him.

Best song

I quite liked ‘You used to play Sheffield Wednesday, now your back playing Slough.’ Not sure Dagenham did. ‘That stack of cups, its bigger than you’ also wins the quick-fire terrace humour award. Not sure who they were singing it at, as I couldn’t see.

Best away day...Got to be Eastbourne Borough by a kiss-me-quick-golden-pier mile. This follows hot on the heals of Weymouth last season. Both got relegated. Moral of the story, don’t let Slough fans pick you as an away weekend or you will be doomed (maybe we should all go and stay in Chelmsford).

I would walk 500 miles Chelsea John enjoying Eastbourne so much he decided to walk around it late at night for hours and hours.

Most gutting Macclesfield. Another loss in the second round of the FA Cup. Boo

The Marc White Show

Still moaning about injuries despite Dorking having 207 players on the books

Biggest head loss Maidenhead who are still complaining about the injustices of giving us 4 points

You can’t take that in...Nigel's offensive shaving foam, which could have had someone's beard off.

One day Rodney, we are going to be in the football league

Not quite, Eastbourne, not quite….still I’m sure that YouTube documentary was worth it.

Spent the most cash for nothing

Eastbourne Borough again (please note, I like this football club, don’t want them relegated, have written to my MP about it).

Best food

As a vegetarian, got to say Slough. Totton's doughnut van worthy of a mention.

Best Dance

15 year olds wearing Stone Island practising their TikTok moves while shadow boxing.

Best stewards

Hornchurch and Farnborough

Worst ground

Take a running track jump Chelmsford

Best programme Got to go with Sloughs, not much original content in the others; but really if you want your finger on the pulse about the National League then I recommend Where’s the Bar?

I don’t believe it

The goalkeepers of Slough and Torquay playing in the same match, going to the same school St. Josephs which overlooks the ground. What are the odds?

Things that don’t make sense

Soft segregation. Bouncy castles instead of metal barriers?

Hybrid training. On Wednesdays we only practice with one leg tied behind our backs.

Things we don’t like to see

Clubs in the same league poaching our players before the season ends...surely after January that’s just rude.

Segregation – it should be a last resort

Mullets. Please tell me how they have made a fashion comeback, you bunch of Wurzels.

Seaside towns getting relegated

Clubs losing hundreds of thousands in Division 6 (South). We all know its going to end in tears

Right, that’s enough of my drivel, I’m off to tend my vegetables. It’s been a laugh. See you all next season.