SURREAL FOOTBALL

To be printed in the National League South game v Hampton and Richmond Borough Tuesday 10th March 2026

Photos by Scott McNeish

Some games are dull, some are nail biting, some you forget as soon as the final whistle goes but some games are...well, just a bit surreal.

Away to AFC Totton on a Tuesday night. I’d been there before, but that was their last season in their old ground when we had been put in the Southern League South and West after relegation. Totton finished third and we finished way behind Windsor, Beaconsfield, Uxbridge, Burnham and Village with-one-bus-stop United, coming in at number 16. The following season we got shoved in the Midlands section. It was heady days for Slough supporters if you liked visiting new places, but not so good if you liked seeing us win football matches.

So The Snows Stadium was a new ground for me. They had been here since 2010 and had powered up the leagues, this being their first one in the National League South. Be rude not too. The coast train Brighton to Southampton then a short hop to the small town of Totton, with a population just under 29,000 and a train station ticket office that is staffed 5am till 10am. If that doesn’t shout commuter town then nothing will. Surprisingly, there are two teams in Totton - their grounds only one wayward shot apart but they are friendly neighbours working very closely together. AFC are also friendly with Southampton whose women's team play there.

But hang on. I was expecting Mrs. Miggins tea shops and New Forest ponies but was instead was served up a scrubbed up version of Slough. I know it was 17 years ago since my last visit, so my mind might have been playing tricks but I’m sure their old place felt more rural?

Instead of a country boozer we ended up parking at a nearby industrial estate and headed to one of those places that is neither restaurant or pub, but did do veggie sausage, mash and gravy. Me and Gaz the Sandwich had dinner with The Turnstile boys with their respective wife's Clubshop Sue and Lynn. We even got a blue tick discount. Or maybe it was Blue Badge. It was definitely something blue.

The turnstiles weren’t open so you had to enter through the plush clubshop - like an airport lounge where you a tempted with all that duty free and perfume before you board the plane. I stupidly hadn’t bought a cheaper ticket online beforehand so was stuck behind someone who wanted a key ring and some Totton spring water and seemed to be paying in half pence pieces. Hurry up mate, im going to miss happy hour. The friendly bar staff made sure we didn’t miss out on the beer bargains as we trundled out to….well look I don’t want to be rude but the ground seemed like it had taken its architectural inspiration from the Southampton shipping containers.

A Tuesday night that felt like spring after the endless rain that had wiped out so much lower league football, with some teams needing to play three times a night to catch up. And just as well it wasn’t raining as there was no cover unless you wanted a seat. But what’s that? A doughnut and candy floss stall, that’s a tick. All we needed now was a ride on the Waltzer. Mind you, one of our youngsters munched through a dry packet of chocolate Craze throughout the game instead. Surreal or Cereal? We were spaced out on terracing in the first half that made Arbour Park seem spacious. The pitch was heavy, no surprise with all that rain but according to a certain kit man smelt of manure. We did come through a kissing gate to get here, so maybe there was some nearby farms. We bought out some old classics like ‘xylophone on your head’ but this was a tambourine, because well the xylophone has seriously seen better days, just like some of the Slough supporters.

The crowd was announced as 1,236, but I’m not sure where they were, maybe hiding in a shipping container? Everyone huffed and puffed and we finally got an equaliser and held on for another important point. Just like Dover didn’t deserve a point at Arbour Park, I’m not sure we really did, buy hey that’s football. Although when it comes to the games against Dover this season, I’m not sure football is an apt description. The first game was played on a pitch that would be better suited to mud wrestling, the home game was also like a battle ground with Slough players the casualties.

Getting back from Bath to Brighton on a Tuesday night involves sleeping in a ditch for the evening so I missed it along with our first class keeper who had got a better offer of full time football and was off. I don’t blame him, but blimey I was worried as I tuned into Rebels Radio. The commentators Gary Unruly Beard and Finnan (part of the McNeish media mafia) reported that not much was going on as the chat descended into famous names who’ve lived in Slough and owners who cut off their managers heads if they lose two games on the trot. Oh and guess the crowd, which is kind of hard when you’re listening on the radio. And then we nicked 3 points thanks to a goal from you-know-who. At least no ones poached him from us yet. As now seems football supporters tradition the Bath supporters booed their team off while our 50 ecstatic fans jumped for joy as we edged ever closer to safety in the National League South for another season. That’s definitely worth celebrating with a doughnut and a pint.