THE SLOUGH TOWN MANIFESTO

Printed in the National League South game v Oxford City New Years Day 2023. We drew 2-2 in front of 675.

It’s that time of the year when we reflect and come up with plans for the future. Forget New Year resolutions, I’m going for the Slough Town Manifesto.

If Slough get relegated we should invoke the ‘Maidenhead clause’ – where a team is endlessly relegated then reprieved in the National League South.

Every team that is losing millions but is bankrolled by some rich investor should only be allowed to play walking football rules against us.

Supporters Trust take over running of the club with secret investors in the background. They’ve persuaded the council that the club should be in charge of Arbour Park, can paint it amber and blue, move the bar to the directors room and build decent new terraces behind both goals so you can actually see the game. Two new community development officers appointed charged with increasing crowds and activities at Arbour Park.

Family friendly cost-of-living busting free entry to games every three months.

Zip wire from The Curve to the ground. Infact getting into the ground should be more fun. How about an obstacle course – with bouncy castle, balancing on a beam, bubble machine and ballons – with a trap door where you find yourself back at the Curve.

Massive musical box for people to help themselves to create the Slough Town Are Massive Ensemble

Jim the stuffed dog should be moved from the train station to Arbour Park to act as a tourist attraction to boost crowds – and occasionally wheeled out on a skateboard when we haven’t got a mascot.

David Brent to perform ‘Slough’ before every home game on the pitch – because everyone needs to know Slough is ‘equidistant ‘tween London and Reading.’ This is followed by players coming on to pitch to the sound of a Sikh drumming band – with all the kids on the pitch waving flags.

Once a month one of our teams have to play a game at Arbour Park before the first team. Women's team, development, Under 18s – and also invite clubs like Singh Sabha and Langley Old Boys.

Programmes in the clubshop just to annoy Sue.

Slough drawn away in early rounds of FA Cup against clubs we have never played. Regional rules waived so we can play Trafford then Stuart can go and measure their trading estate to see if its bigger.

Street vendors on every corner. Ian Matthews Bespoke Slough T-shirt Design next to the the Brown Boys Fried Mars Bar And Cider Tap Room. Shiels Boutique will offer players haircuts, amber and blue make up and pedicures. After-All-Kieran-Wall-Fashions on hand to advise people of the latest trends. Phil the Flag and Richard Big Flag measuring you up so you have something to wave during the game. Dutton’s When I’m Cleaning Windows unusual instruments store. Dean Becketts Are You Feeling Lucky 50-50 newsagent stand (dirty magazines otherwise known as Windsor and Eton programmes available under the counter). You can also order Deano cabs which will pick you up even when you get lost coming home from Chippenham.

One of those funny bottle shops on the Elizabeth Line at Farringdon so I can grab a quick coffee or can of chocolate stout to help with my journey as I whizz to Arbour Park. Has to also stock the Slough newspapers. Actually, while we're at it, free travel on the trains to anyone who supports Slough (paid for out of the Ebbsfleet budget).

Part of the school curriculum to study the football pyramid to show children that there are clubs outside the Premier League. All pupils must have to come and support their local team at least once. This will count as a pass in Lower League Football Studies and get you automatically into Oxford (Oxford City football club not the University).

I’ve been banging on to a mate for years about lower league football therapy. He watches Manchester City but has recently been going to watch West Didsbury and Chorlton. Paddy Wagon told me : "Going into the ground is like going into a 4th cousin's twice removed wedding. You kinda wander about a bit enjoying the anonymity and then BAM! People from the whole life spectrum, all the more interesting ones, appear from everywhere. The football is happening closer than ever, the language (!) and droplets of sweat from colliding players splash ye, an people from your past, present and future are just there in your face chatting away reminding you of everything. It's bonkers. And. You . Are. Right." 

So there you go, I am right. Lower League Football Rules. 

Vote for me and I will make this manifesto a reality.