HORLICKS, HORLICKS, GIVE US A SIP

Printed in the National League South game v Dartford Tuesday 20th February 2024. We won 3-2 in front of 659. Unbeaten in 18 games at home now!

When I watch any football on the tele one thing that always strikes me is the lack of originality in terrace songs. The same old tunes are pumped out to match the identikit stadiums.

Surely, football fans can do better than that?

This lack or original songs is a bit like league opposition programmes. I know programmes are a labour of love, hard to put together and probably more a financial burden than a money maker but there’s hardly any original text apart from maybe the chair and managers notes; the rest is just stats and historical archives that anyone can get from trawling the internet. I'm not sure they’ve got much of a future if they continue in that vein.

Slough might be the endless butt of jokes but once it rose from the swamp, it’s been a place of invention and ingenuity. The Zebra Crossing and Thunderbirds song was a celebration of that. More upbeat than the Come Friendly Bombs dig – and something to sing while still giving a nod to the Office.

We might not be able to match Oxford City for their pomp and history but ‘They’ve got dreamy spires, we’ve got Marsbars, I just need to think of a second verse.’ The ‘we invented the wheelie bin so its in my Slough DNA’ falls on death ears to humourless stewards who seem to get very upset about hitting something that people put rubbish in. They must be fun at parties – that’s assuming they get invited to any.

Nick the Trumpet has added a whole new genre and upbeatness to behind the goal and who can forget his ‘Message to you Grimsby’ ska classic. It helped build a bond on social media between the two clubs. Singing ‘Same old fish-faces, always stinking’ would have just been rude after becoming friends. Now Luca Blister has used the inspiration of Bob Marley to write a song about Jammers and its a corker. This is more like it. See its catching. Just don’t make it too complicated; it took me ages to remember the zebra crossing song and that’s only four lines.

Which brings me onto Horlicks. ‘Horlicks side, give us a a song’. Or maybe it should be give us a sip (actually that would be better aimed at the bar). I'm not sure I’ve ever had a cup of Horlicks. Is it still a product? Who drinks it? Bit like asking if anyone watches Coronation Street or has a home phone number anymore – although thanks to Erika Maracas I’ve now got some chocolatey Horlicks to try once I pluck up the courage. 

I always thought their big imposing building must have been a workhouse at one point, but no, it was built to produce the frothy stuff. Now they have gone and its been developed as part of Sloughs ever expanding housing stock. The developers even put out a booklet - '40 things you probably didn't know about Slough.' The original chimney is a still a distinctive landmark but while the Horlicks War Memorial is Grade II listed the request to list the iconic factory was rejected by Historic England. 

Horlicks was invented in 1873 by William Horlick and his brother James. After returning from America where they had set up their company, James bought a green field site in Stoke Poges Lane from Eton College. By 1908 the sound of the factory hooter was a key time signal for everyone who lived nearby. Horlicks, apparently makes you sleep soundly and they coined the phrase “night starvation.” In 1935 a mountain range in Antarctica was named Horlicks by Admiral Byrd in recognition of the company’s support of his expedition. It is now a brand within Glaxo SmithKline.

Did the Amber and Blues - as we were known then - ever play them in a competitive game? It was time to set Slough Town detective Alan Smith some homework. “Slough Reserves played them in the Windsor, Slough and District League in two seasons. Horlicks FC probably paid their games at Elstons Meadow near Salt Hill as most clubs in the area did."

1911/12 Slough Reserves 1 Horlicks 0

Horlicks 6 Slough Reserves 0

1919/20 Slough Reserves 6 Horlicks 1 played at Slough Cricket ground

The return fixture due on the 27th March was not played

"The league table for that season finished up very percular. First of all Horlicks did not finish their fixtures. The teams they did not play received two points each including the Royal Albert Institute. Furthermore Windsor and Eton Reserves had 4 points deducted for misdemeanours. Slough reserves also did not meet the Royal Albert Institute or Slough YMCA.” See I told you if there is every a Slough Town quiz, you need Detective Smith on your team.

So pick a player, pick a place, pick an invention, rearrange a well known song, and knock it into something new. ‘Slough Bus Stations on Fire.’ You get the gist.

I’m just hoping that ‘Biggest Trading Estate in Europe? You’re never sing that’ is turned into a t-shirt sometime soon.