FROM WETLANDS TO WEMBLEY

Printed in the National League South game v Chippenham Town Good Friday 7^th April 2023. We won 6 - 1 in front of 845

You can’t help but feel deflated after a 94^th minute equaliser. But once the dust had settled, it was another monumental Slough fight; down to 10 with the obligatory handball sending off with half hour to go. A saved penalty and as the Rebel army stepped up the noise, we hoped and prayed for the 3 points to move us further away from the drop zone. This is squeaky bum time on steroids.

I’d sacked off Brighton v Brentford for a trip to Hemel Hempstead a town I just can’t make out. A rural idyllic mixed with skyscrapers and wetlands – with Easter bunny activities on the green. The pub of choice that looked like the Alpha Arms and the back streets of Slough (albeit after a bloody good scrub) didn’t open till 2pm but there was enough places for a quick pint with Spreadsheet Stuart before a cab to the ground. Has Hemel even got a high street?

Hemel's ground reflects that urban-countryside mix. There’s a fabulous stand with deep terraces next to a concrete carbuncle on stilts that resembles a guards tower overlooking a Russian Gulag. Their clubhouse looks ready to host a wedding reception at a moments notice. While Nick the Trumpet had turned ‘These are all Slough Things’ into an internet sensation – well amongst Slough fans anyway - no one could find the drum and assorted instruments. Lucky I had a couple of sticks and commandeered the mankiest bin I’ve ever seen. This didn’t stop the steward police moving in during the second half. To be fair, that bin was so dirty they probably saved me from getting cholera but it was Clubshop Sue who was the health and safety fire risk. Her arthritis means its easier for her to lean against the wall than climb steps. But couldn’t she see this was fire escape. Jeez, we could all burn to death with you standing there.

The previous Saturday it was an early kick off for the first ever televised National League South game, which also happened to be Non League Day. Nearly double our average gate of over 1200 came along to what felt like an FA Cup 1^st round game. I love Non League Day; a brilliant initiative that gives clubs the chance to show off their wares. And it works. The man who came up with the plan said there was a cumulative attendance of 141,619 in Steps 1-4. Which compared to previous weekends was an increase of 20-30%. Bingo!

We were up against the league leaders Ebbsfleet who are head and shoulders above everyone – well they should be on their budget. We taunted them about all the Slough inventions (see Nick the Trumpets song) while they could only sing about being a fast train stop to France (which doesn't even go to Europe at the moment). They hit the woodwork twice and were the better side but it took a wonder goal by their top striker - whose been compared to Jamie Vardy - to undo us.

I had arrived in Slough too early so I decided to visit Langley, which used to be my pre match pitstop to see my nan. There’s no chance of finding a pub in the village anymore. There were cars and wood outside the Willows, the Harrow has become a nursery and the Merry Makers is just a pile of rubble. As I took photos of the pub carnage one old guy said he coped with the lack of Langley pubs by giving up drinking. At least the co-chairman of Langley FC wants to build a community sports hub in Kedermister Park and create a space where people can meet. I'm just not very convinced about their idea of League football in a few years. 

I just had to pop into the local bakers for old times sake for a crusty cheese and tomato roll. But blimey, £2.85 just shows how expensive everything has become. Or maybe I was becoming my nan who used to tut whenever I told her the price of anything. I think her head would explode if she saw how everything costs now. From food to electricity bills, train fares to beer to drumsticks, everyone is feeling the pinch. So with that in mind, just how do we get people through the Slough turnstiles? Look I know me and Kieran Wonder Wall are like the drunk blokes at the bar repeating ourselves about signing up to the 500 club, but its such a simple way of the club raising cash – while you might even win some yourself and pay off that gas bill.

I’ve been really impressed with all the latest club initiatives – going into schools, deals on the gate, food vans. There’s a spring in the Slough Town step at home but there’s got to be an opportunity to wrestle more control of the ground from a bankrupt Slough Council? The image of club secretary Kay lugging cases of beer along the terraces to the far side bar, summed up just how much effort goes into matchdays but wouldn’t be better if we ran Arbour Park? There’s so much potential, but council workers are not going to care as much as people who love the club.

As for me I’ve got an end of season, cost of watching two teams financial crisis. With Brighton getting to Wembley, I’m looking behind the sofa for cash and hoping to win the 500 club jackpot.

Soon it will all be calm for a few months as I tend our community gardens and worry about tomato blight and slugs rather than relegation and annoying stewards with attitudes.