FA TO THE STABMONKEYS

Printed in the National League South game v Braintree on Saturday 16th January 2021. We won 3-2 

I'm sure Shoreham Football Club have a cloning machine. On what could be their last game for a very long time, the Musselmen were at home to Oakwood. Everywhere I went (except thankfully the toilets) joint chairman Stuart Slaney's head popped up. On the tannoy, behind the bar, fixing the broken griddle in the kitchen that was cooking my veggie burger - which no doubt he'd prepared earlier in the day. While a decent crowd of 183 drunk the bar dry – even Stuarts wine he'd saved for himself – there was no swanning around in the boardroom to enjoy the spoils, just hours upon hours of work.

It was always a relentless job but a labour of love for officials and volunteers up and down the country. But the pandemic has added increasingly to that burden.

Scott Young is the chairman of Chalvey Sports who has grown more and more exasperated about the situation.

Nicknamed the Stabmonks, the club are older than Slough but had to up sticks from Chalvey Rec and move to Arbour Park to pass ground grading rules and gain promotion. Scott was born in Chalvey and so is a Stabmonk through and through. Playing, managing, volunteering and now chair of the club, while his brother is the manager.

But where did the name Stab Monk come from? Some time in the mid 1850's an Italian organ grinder from Windsor came to Chalvey Grove to earn a few pennies. A crowd of children started teasing the monkey, who bit one of them. The boys dad, after a session at the Cape of Good Hope Pub, then stabbed the monkey to death. When the organ-grinder lamented his loss, a collection was made, the man compensated, the corpse given a funeral and the remaining money spent on a wake! The following year it was agreed to repeat the wake; a Chalvey plasterer made a monkey cast and there was a mock funeral during which a man fell or was pushed into the Chalvey Brook. The soaking victim was then elected Mayor of Chalvey for the following year. The custom grew, with a funeral and wake every Whit-Monday and the election of a Mayor who of course first had to be pushed into the brook.

That brook is next to Montem Mound (a Scheduled Ancient Monument no less) and one of the places that could have been home to Queen Anne's Well. Water from this, described as Chalvey Spa, was taken to Windsor Castle for royalty to drink. I spent many an hour trying to find it, maybe thinking it could be more profitable than Peckham spring water.

The Stabmonks play in Step 6 of the footballing pryamid in the Hellenic Divison One East – about as far away to the Premier League as the sun is to the earth. Yet bound by the same rules and regulations while running on an entirely voluntary basis.

Chalvey play at Arbour Park and while Slough couldn't have fans being elite and all that, Chalvey could and were smart on social media, attracting bigger crowds desperate to watch some football.

I spoke to Scott to find out his thoughts about the current Tier 4 situation but first asked about the clubs relationship with Slough. 

Scott: "We have a great relationship with Slough Town, Kay Lathey (general secretary) is a massive help and I don't know where we would be without her help. It's always great for us when Slough tweet their support for our home matches. We get improved gates and its massively appreciated. It's also great to have the Slough Town Supporters Trust help Kay on match days with the hot food and bar and this makes it easier for us to encourage more people to come and watch us play. We played a friendly v Slough Town 18 months ago which was a dream for us and shows how far we have come in a relatively short space of time."

You've been very vocal about all the extra covid related work that has added to your role. What could the FA do to make this easier? 

Scott: "I think the FA could do a lot more to help other than just shift everything onto club volunteers, who are buckling under constant pressure with something new everyday. I believe that the FA should be producing the endless risk assessments and make changes to reflect the different levels of football from Step 1 down to Step 7 and lower.

"Making clubs play but behind closed doors is a joke. How can clubs at different levels survive without income? Look at the inconsistencies at Arbour Park this season. Slough, no fans, Chalvey allowed fans; then the tier changes and its no fans at all. Then allowing some clubs to start playing whilst others can't is a joke too. Leagues should only be starting when all the clubs in that league are ready and able to play with fans."  

Do you think this season will start up again?

Scott: It can't be a good thing to keep stopping and starting. It takes a lot of time to change risk assessments and all other Covid related things when you've got a full time job. Especially when you visit some opponents and they have nothing in place at all! And whilst you've got a small number of clubs doing nothing then the risk of infection increases match by match. So many people are up in arms when it's stopped, but look at the large number of games being cancelled due to COVID issues. There are more and more every week! I can't understand why the FA leaves the decisions to play or not down to the leagues themselves. They should lead and dictate what's happening and for me, they do nothing other than produce 'guidance notes' which just ramble on whilst putting pressure on an exhausted number of volunteers."  

Do you worry about the future of lower league football? 

Scott: "I think football needs to ask itself some tough questions. Financially, this pandemic puts many clubs at risk. We don't generate an income other than people through the gate which helps us pay for match day officials, kit wash, programmes and after match hospitality; without gate money it's not sustainable. Sponsorship next season will be difficult to come by. Companies need every penny to survive and may not have funds to support football clubs. This will see clubs having to drop levels or even fold and I believe that the FA have brought this financial headache to clubs even before the pandemic. Chalvey Sports lost a number of sponsors at the end of last season and we were very lucky to be able to continue at this level."

Once again we have to baton down the hatches and wait until a vaccine is rolled out. Let's hope when we come out the other side, people like Stuart and Scott get the support they need; not just from the footballing authorities but from people wanting to watch football in the flesh rather than on a TV screen. As Stuart says: "I just hope we don't lose any clubs and we can all get back to playing again soon."

BOOKWORM

Printed in the National League South game v Braintree on Saturday 16th January 2021. We won 3-2 

More tiers than a wedding cake, winter weather and every conceivable Netflix series consumed, now is the perfect time to head online to your local bookshop and expand your mind. Well that’s what I always tell myself before raiding the football section.

‘Mind Games’ by Neville Southall is part autobiography, part mini manifesto, part self help book on how to improve the game and society in general. The former England and Wales goalkeeper now works for a special needs school while using his social media platform to highlight issues including handing his twitter account over to various groups.

From the people who produce ‘Groundtastic’ magazine ‘The Cemetery End’ lays bare the grounds and stands that have been lost over the past 25 years including our own Wexham Park. It’s now out of print but if you go weak at the knees at turnstiles and dugouts it’s well worth subscribing to their top notch, well researched and illustrated magazine.

From Stocksbridge Park Steels to winning the Premier League is quite the story and Jamie Vardy’s ‘From Nowhere’ is an enjoyable easy to read rags to riches tale about someone who loves playing football – and scoring goals.

Harry Pearson ‘The Farther Corner’ is a sentimental return to north east football. No matter where you watch your football Pearson catches the hope and despair as well as the replacement bus to Dunston UTS more often than he would like. ‘You getting off here?’ the man in the scarf asked. The other man shrugged, sighed and said ‘I was hoping not to. But aye, come on, let’s go and take our punishment like men.’ There’s Benfield Ultras who numbered just two, meaning they couldn’t hold up their banner and bang the drum at the same time. Or Newcastle fans contemplating another medicore season ‘Football used to be an escape from grim economic reality, now it is grim economic reality.’ Anyone who follows football in the lower reaches of the pryamid will love this book.

Pearson is a regular contributor to the monthly ‘When Saturday Comes’ football magazine which is well worth getting a years subscription for a different perspective on football. 

‘Bloody Southerners’ by Spencer Vignes recalls the story when Brian Clough and Peter Taylor rocked up at Brighton and Hove Albion - a bit like Jose Mourinho in the wake of his Chelsea successes joining Southend. It's a brilliant evocative book that captures not just a pivotal time in the Albions history but also the towns. Although Clough could hardly bring himself to turn up for training, him and Taylor woke a club from slumber with a chairman who splashed the cash and eventually got the club to the top of the tree and a Wembley FA Cup final. They put the town on the map along with Abba appearing at the Dome as it hosted The Eurovision Song Contest winning with 'Waterloo.' But Clough had little time for the place. In his autobiography he wrote 'People go to Brighton for various reasons. For a holiday, for a day trip, for a place to retire, for a Tory Party Conference. Or for a dirty weekend. With all due respect to the club and its fans, you don't go there for the football. Brighton is not a big-time club and is never likely to be.'

And finally, a book about the first superstar football coach, Béla Guttmann. Guttmann was Jewish and the book weaves in the story of the relentless persecution of Jews across Europe laying bare a hideous and harrowing chapter of the twentieth century. He narrowly escapes death countless times but his father, sister and wider family were not so lucky, murdered by the Nazis in their death camps. In 1961, as coach of Benfica, he lifted the European Cup - a feat he repeated the following year. ‘From genocide to football glory, Guttmann performed the single greatest comeback in football history.'  

Rather than lining the pockets of tax dodging Amazon, support independent bookshops. You can find out where your nearest one is here.  

DOGS DINNER UNITED

Printed in the FA Trophy 2nd Round V Dartford Tuesday 15th December 2020  After a 2-2 draw, we lost on penalties.

This dogs dinner of a season was perfectly summed up by Slough pulling Dartford out of the hat, this time for the FA Trophy. If you count our play off defeat, the team sitting top of the National League South have been our opponents for 4 of the 14 competitive games we have played since September.

Not that any of us have been on the terraces to see a ball kicked. Still, searching for silver linings, when we are ever allowed back in, there’s a wealth of songs to be had; about Slough being part of the elite, that Boris Haystack loves Slough and for miles and miles we were the only place to have the honour of being in Tier 3. No fans, No future as the Sex Pistols would have sung if they were football fans.

With a poor run of results our joint managers took to the radio to remind us what decent blokes they are. There was a distinct lack of this decency from Havant and Waterlooville who became only the second club in six and half years to refuse to let Ade broadcast Rebels Radio to the Slough Town massive.

I know clubs are struggling financially but so are supporters and their plan to make us pay for the stream spectacularly back-fired with Rebels refusing to cough up and watch ball. I get fans like to stay loyal but any Rebel questioning this behaviour was quickly accused by Waterloogedville fans of flooding their pitch for that abandoned game last season; like that fifty quid Deano slipped the ref at half time really made a difference to his decision to call it off when we were 2-0 down. You’ve got fans, we weren’t allowed any, Dan Roberts couldn’t travel cos of a negative covid test and we had to ask a former player who hasn’t kicked a ball for months and a lad from Binfield to sit on the bench . At least give us Ade to cheer up another groundhog evening. Ironically, me and many other Rebels would have bought the streaming service if they had allowed our radio but instead decided to go without as a sign of solidarity.

Premier League fans did the same, for once flexing their muscles earlier in the season. Already forking out for season tickets, Sky, BT, Amazon and Poundshop TV, the powers that be decided to ask them to pay £15 on top of all that to watch their team. That was the straw that broke the camels back and Instead people donated to their local food banks, raising thousands while the broadcasters eventually backed down.

Still, at least this new tier system is keeping us on our toes. My understanding, is that you are only allowed to drink in a pub if you have a scotch egg stuck up your bum, hop on two legs and sing the hokey-cokey backwards.

Going for a beer now requires the expense of a substantial meal whether you want one or not. So far I’ve had to fork out £15 for an inedible burger and £3 for some chicken wings despite being vegetarian for the past 40 years. Many pubs haven’t bothered opening their doors, and just like football clubs, you’ve got to fear for their future with another 2,500 calling last orders for good this year.

With Hampton the latest Slough fixture to fall foul of covid, will the season really end and what if we get a wet winter which has been known in Britain.

So I’m back to snatching games when I can. Freezing on the Saltdean terraces, who are now top of their league thanks to an eye-watering wage bill. This was the FA Vase second round and they eventually lost to Deal Town on penalties. Deal being in Kent weren’t allowed to bring any fans because they are Tier 3 while Saltdean could sell takeaway coffee but not takeaway beer. Someones got a good chance of winning the Vase just by not conceding to covid.

Still, there’s finally light at the end of the tunnel. Isn’t it amazing what can be achieved, when the best brains get together and work to find a solution to a crisis. Just imagine if we did that to make sure everyone had clean water or the trains run on time. Mind you, covid is just a peep show of what we’ve all got lined up unless we do something about climate change.

But as our managers pointed out, its about getting through this season, and making sure there’s a Slough Town to support when this covid fog eventually lifts.

Happy Christmas and see you all next year – hopefully.