HORLICKS, HORLICKS, GIVE US A SIP

Printed in the National League South game v Dartford Tuesday 20th February 2024. We won 3-2 in front of 659. Unbeaten in 18 games at home now!

When I watch any football on the tele one thing that always strikes me is the lack of originality in terrace songs. The same old tunes are pumped out to match the identikit stadiums.

Surely, football fans can do better than that?

This lack or original songs is a bit like league opposition programmes. I know programmes are a labour of love, hard to put together and probably more a financial burden than a money maker but there’s hardly any original text apart from maybe the chair and managers notes; the rest is just stats and historical archives that anyone can get from trawling the internet. I'm not sure they’ve got much of a future if they continue in that vein.

Slough might be the endless butt of jokes but once it rose from the swamp, it’s been a place of invention and ingenuity. The Zebra Crossing and Thunderbirds song was a celebration of that. More upbeat than the Come Friendly Bombs dig – and something to sing while still giving a nod to the Office.

We might not be able to match Oxford City for their pomp and history but ‘They’ve got dreamy spires, we’ve got Marsbars, I just need to think of a second verse.’ The ‘we invented the wheelie bin so its in my Slough DNA’ falls on death ears to humourless stewards who seem to get very upset about hitting something that people put rubbish in. They must be fun at parties – that’s assuming they get invited to any.

Nick the Trumpet has added a whole new genre and upbeatness to behind the goal and who can forget his ‘Message to you Grimsby’ ska classic. It helped build a bond on social media between the two clubs. Singing ‘Same old fish-faces, always stinking’ would have just been rude after becoming friends. Now Luca Blister has used the inspiration of Bob Marley to write a song about Jammers and its a corker. This is more like it. See its catching. Just don’t make it too complicated; it took me ages to remember the zebra crossing song and that’s only four lines.

Which brings me onto Horlicks. ‘Horlicks side, give us a a song’. Or maybe it should be give us a sip (actually that would be better aimed at the bar). I'm not sure I’ve ever had a cup of Horlicks. Is it still a product? Who drinks it? Bit like asking if anyone watches Coronation Street or has a home phone number anymore – although thanks to Erika Maracas I’ve now got some chocolatey Horlicks to try once I pluck up the courage. 

I always thought their big imposing building must have been a workhouse at one point, but no, it was built to produce the frothy stuff. Now they have gone and its been developed as part of Sloughs ever expanding housing stock. The developers even put out a booklet - '40 things you probably didn't know about Slough.' The original chimney is a still a distinctive landmark but while the Horlicks War Memorial is Grade II listed the request to list the iconic factory was rejected by Historic England. 

Horlicks was invented in 1873 by William Horlick and his brother James. After returning from America where they had set up their company, James bought a green field site in Stoke Poges Lane from Eton College. By 1908 the sound of the factory hooter was a key time signal for everyone who lived nearby. Horlicks, apparently makes you sleep soundly and they coined the phrase “night starvation.” In 1935 a mountain range in Antarctica was named Horlicks by Admiral Byrd in recognition of the company’s support of his expedition. It is now a brand within Glaxo SmithKline.

Did the Amber and Blues - as we were known then - ever play them in a competitive game? It was time to set Slough Town detective Alan Smith some homework. “Slough Reserves played them in the Windsor, Slough and District League in two seasons. Horlicks FC probably paid their games at Elstons Meadow near Salt Hill as most clubs in the area did."

1911/12 Slough Reserves 1 Horlicks 0

Horlicks 6 Slough Reserves 0

1919/20 Slough Reserves 6 Horlicks 1 played at Slough Cricket ground

The return fixture due on the 27th March was not played

"The league table for that season finished up very percular. First of all Horlicks did not finish their fixtures. The teams they did not play received two points each including the Royal Albert Institute. Furthermore Windsor and Eton Reserves had 4 points deducted for misdemeanours. Slough reserves also did not meet the Royal Albert Institute or Slough YMCA.” See I told you if there is every a Slough Town quiz, you need Detective Smith on your team.

So pick a player, pick a place, pick an invention, rearrange a well known song, and knock it into something new. ‘Slough Bus Stations on Fire.’ You get the gist.

I’m just hoping that ‘Biggest Trading Estate in Europe? You’re never sing that’ is turned into a t-shirt sometime soon.

WESTWARD HO!

 

Printed in the National League South game v Chippenham Town Saturday 17th February 2024   We drew 2-2 in front of 906

Slough supporters have been spending so much time heading west this season, we are starting to develop accents and humming along to The Wurzels.

Nearly twenty years ago we did spend a few seasons in the Southern League South and West. I lost my big rattle in Bridgewater, nearly got Sue thrown out at Winchester and jumped on the train then supporters coach getting halfway down the M4 when one game was called off en route. I ended up watching Lewes – just 8 miles from my house - after five hours of travelling! I also remember driving past Cheltenham's ground who we used to play, to the nearby village of Bishops Cleeve where more sheep than fans saw us lose. In one of those South & West seasons we should have been relegated to County League football for the first time ever, but got a reprieve. Those were the days eh.

I could see why Rishi Washy wants to make maths compulsory – he must have tried to buy a train ticket online and realised its impossible to work out. Or maybe my confusion was because I couldn’t believe they wanted £91 one way to Torquay. The helpful ticket office lady said trains were even worse in Romania which was comforting but probably not a marketing gimmick.

Good time to play them? Yeah why not and it was a game I couldn’t miss staying at my mums to cut journey time but still having to get the stupid o’ clock from Slough.

I hurtled towards the west, past the flooded fields, winter making way for spring with cherry plum blossom and primroses replacing the snowdrops. The country changes as you leave Exeter – the topography, the houses, the feel of the place. I love the train skirting along the sea in-between Dawlish. So picturesque but a risky route in a storm.

Talking of flooded fields, Truro decided the best way to extend their season was to groundshare at Taunton who are skint and under a transfer embargo. I’m not sure this will benefit anyone – apart from relegation rivals – and its particularly annoying for those of us who had planned a weekend in Plymouth. Apparently Plymouth Parkways ground was wet, but blimey talk about out of the fire and into the duck pond (Oh and there ‘home’ game against Eastbourne was already off because of a you-know-what pitch).

As you approach Torquay and step out of the train station and its genteel surrounds you think it must take some effort to get the hump living round here, but things are toxic at Torquay United. Mind you, the most I got to see of the English Riviera was 5 minutes by the Grand roundabout before I was whisked off by Caz and Mitch for a breakfast then into the pub opposite not far from the ground.

I know Torquay fans don’t want to be sharing the same pitch as Slough but here we are. Their social media is a toxic but an entertaining read. As one put - ‘we used to be playing Sheffield Wednesday now we are playing Slough.’ I didn’t particularly like going to AFC Hayes or Bishops Cleeve or other village sides where if you criticised their facilities some smartarse would reply – ‘at least we have a ground’ which was a fair point. At the time all we could mutter was it was a miracle we still had a football club. But I don’t remember us moaning that we had a God given right to be in any league.

It’s fair to say the Torquay owners and managers aren’t very popular. Their fans are revolting, there’s protests every week – so obviously the best way to hand out an olive branch is to ban unaccompanied minors and flags that haven’t had a fire check. Although I’m pretty sure the ‘Gary Out’ bedsheet being passed around by their supporters didn’t have the required certificate. Crowds are seriously down (although there was still 1,700 in attendance). The pitch is a bog and they keep losing. Still, they thought it was fine to charge away fans £22.

But what a game we were served up – coming from behind 3 times against full time opposition – what’s not to like. Well apart from the fact that if you celebrated too much you might have tumbled down the steep seated terraces. Afterwards I drank in their fans after match bile on social media. ‘Just can’t match the fitness levels of these part time regional teams. Absolutely shocking’ was one of the more printable ones.

In fairness, every Torquay supporter we spoke was good as gold – but they are where they are and the club have got to act like a National League South side cos I can’t see them even reaching the play offs let alone winning them.

As for me, after a mammoth 17 hour day the majority of it spent travelling, I crawled into bed hallucinating on the lack of sleep – but thankful for being sped home by the McNeishs and the Elizabeth Line.

In Ruben Clarks brilliant new book ‘Winner Stays On’ that follows each round of the FA Cup, he paraphrases a quote that perfectly sums up following a football team. ‘It's entertainment, but it isn’t like going to the cinema or going out for a meal. You don’t know what you are going to get. You are risking having the worst day of your life for a chance at having the best day.’

I know what sort of day Slough fans were having in Devon. Made all the more sweeter for the years when it wasn’t such a footballing laugh. As Ian Lathey put it on twitter ‘When we were struggling at Step 4 in front of 200 people at Beaconsfield I never imagined a day like this possible. Taking over 100 fans and winning at a club like Torquay.’

Maybe I’m being greedy but all I ask is that the Football fixture computer be a bit kinder next season and give us a late summer trip so we can bask not just on the terraces but also on the beach. After what we had to go through for so long, to get to where we are now; well it would be the sunburnt icing on the cake.

CRACK IN THE SKY

 

Printed in the National League South league game v Weston-super-Mare Saturday 3rd February 2024  We won 2-0 in front of 935

I’m really enjoying being a Slough supporter at the moment but it wasn’t so very long ago that we were a homeless basket case. So I’ve got every sympathy for supporters whose clubs are in free fall or at risk of disappearing altogether.

Reading are the latest league club to suffer and they’ve mounted an impressive campaign of direct action. ‘Sell Before We Dai’ is a fan-led pressure group trying to get Reading owner Dai Yongge to sell up. Lateness for paying wages has resulted in 16-points being deducted in the past two seasons, so supporters have come together to protect the stadium by making it an Asset of Community Value, disrupted games with tennis balls and got one game abandoned after refusing to leave the pitch.

Fans often feel powerless to do anything but it will always be them that have to sort out the mess. STAR (Supporters Trust at Reading) chair Sarah Turner said that the “one good thing” to come out of the entire situation was the solidarity shown by supporters at other clubs. “We are not the only club that are suffering under an incompetent owner and we are aware that we unfortunately won’t be the last,” she said. “We will use what we have learnt to try and raise awareness and make changes that will have a positive impact for all clubs going forward.”

Which brings us to the promised Football Governance Bill outlined in the Kings Speech which aims to "safeguard the future of football clubs for the benefit of communities and fans". Is this happening any time soon?

Taunton Town have been shedding players to steady the financial ship, with a winding up petition from the taxman. Players even issued a joint statement saying they have been consistently lied too. The financial crisis has not been helped by their ground seemingly always being under water - although one of their fans told me it wasn’t just their ground that suffered from flooding but the whole town. The clubhouse doesn’t open unless there is a game on, so they have lost thousands of pounds of income with all these postponements. There’s even talk of voluntary relegation but the chairman has come out fighting and believes they can survive and keep their National League status.

Nuneaton Borough couldn’t reconcile their differences with their landlords and have withdrawn from the Southern Central Premier League. Plans are already afoot for a phoenix club to rise from the old ashes. Lower down the pyramid clubs have folded or asked to be demoted to save costs and safeguard their future.

While many clubs are in financial trouble, let’s raise a glass to Maidstone who have done the impossible and got to the 5th round of the FA Cup. It should be remembered that Maidstone were one of the last clubs to get chucked out the Football League. In 1993 they started again in the Kent County League Division 4 West playing games at the old clubs training ground and were homeless for 24 years. The cup run will now ensure their financial security for years and no doubt add even more people to their already impressive home crowds.

 

photo by Bob Lilliman 
                                            

Still, as was mentioned relentlessly by the Slough supporters watching the Ipswich-Maidstone game in the Dover clubhouse - we had beaten Maidstone just a week before.

The Maidstone home game was something I really didn’t want to miss but getting to Slough wasn’t looking promising. I asked the woman in the ticket office why trains were going to take so long – ‘engineering works - I wouldn’t bother if I was you’ came the reply. I can see why the Tories and train companies wanted to close ticket offices – the amount of money they have saved me giving me better deals than you can get from a machine. Then my little ‘uns development team, announced they had a game. I really don’t like missing him play football but jack frost put paid to that one.

I’ve started bumping into people in Slough scarfs at train stations and around the town that I don’t know and while over a thousand Maidstone supporters were queuing for the last FA Cup tickets, some older ones found there way to the Wheatsheaf. One of Lencys mates had seen the google image of the pub with a Slough scarf draped behind the bar and decide to pay a visit. It felt like a big game.

Postponements, a decent away following and a 14 home game unbeaten run at home meant there were just over a thousand in attendance. Which is really what we should be aiming for at every home game. We were meant to join in the nationwide clapping for Reading at 16 minutes but I will hold my hand and say we forgot, so caught up in the game.

There’s something brewing at Slough Town – and the stars might again be aligning. Representing a town where places to meet have been decimated, where the councils financial plight gives the perfect opportunity for the club to step in and run Arbour Park better than any council official ever will and offer more than just a place where the football club play.

Just before covid I wrote about their being moments in time when anything seems possible. Primal Screams Bobby Gillespie summed this up 'From time to time, there's a crack in the sky and light gets through it; a lot of great people come along and make people feel good and connect people.’

So is that crack in the sky once again opening and shining an amber and blue light on our little old club? There’s no harm in dreaming.