THE MAN WHO HAD EVERYTHING BUT IT STILL WASN'T ENOUGH

Printed in the National League South game v Concord Rangers Saturday 30th October 2021  We drew 1-1 in front of 437

I suppose there will be some who question my sanity in giving up my Brighton v Man City season ticket for a trip to Havant. But just an hour away on the train, always a warm welcome and a competitive game, it was a bin banging no brainer. Besides Slough needed as many Rebels to help dig us out of our predicament while the chances of Brighton turning over the Harlem Globetrotters for a second season in a row. Well, let’s just say, I wasn’t running to the betting shop.

Like many who fill the Amex stadium, I’m not a Brighton fan, I don’t sing cos I would feel like a two timing fraud. I go because of my eldest. I want them to do well and enjoy the company of everyone we have got in our community pub before a game. It’s the intergenerational mix that football is so good at and what needs to happen a lot more in our society.

And there’s always going to be someone who wants my ticket. Pre-covid I just gave it to one of my sons mates or locals who can see the ground from their house but can’t afford to go. That option is now over with tickets only on phones. Worse is that you have to pay £20 for the privilege of sharing your season ticket and that person has to pay to become a club member. The result? Thousands of empty seats at every match, while their jokingly announce another record attendance. It’s bad for atmosphere, drink and food sales but its also just plain daft. Mind you Sky have cornered that market when it comes to treating football fans like muppets. Imagine If you had paid for a ticket to the theatre and they just moved it to a time you couldn’t make or would be stranded with no public transport. So I give you Brighton v Brentford Boxing day evening when there’s no public transport to a ground that relies on 90% of the crowd arriving by bus or train.

While Slough were taking on Waterlooville, Crystal Palace were playing Newcastle. Saudi Arabia are top of the league when it comes to jailing, torturing and murdering opponents and some Palace fans held up a banner that pointed out just that. Guess which ones the police investigated?

Meanwhile Pep Guardiola is starting to sound like a nasty children's storybook character - ‘the man who had everything but it still wasn’t enough.’ Banging on that B teams should be allowed in the football league so his players remain competitive. Maybe if clubs like Man City didn’t hoover up all those youngsters from teams playing in those competitive leagues it wouldn’t be a problem in the first place? And what clubs should be kicked out to give those B teams a place. Rochdale? Bury (oh)? Macclesfield (Double oh) All you’ve got to do is look at the Pizza Cup where clubs have recorded record low attendances for a competitive fixture playing B teams to see how popular the idea is with fans.

At every level in football, we have some clubs more equal than others. Ebbsfleet are full time with some players earning a thousand a week….whereas Slough have one of the lowest budgets in the league. But our managers have always found a way to make us competitive. In another one of their very honest interviews they talked about how hard it is to get new players in. And we all know that football is often very fine margins. Apart from the Whitehawk game we’ve been competitive. But injuries to key players, penalty decisions going against you, while our Under 23s have had to step up and done brilliant, but it is a big step up.

Slough’s support has also stalled, with covid really doing us no favours. Before the pandemic hit we seemed to have been riding the crest of a wave, but now attendances are down a worrying 23% and with it a lot of lost income. So its great to see the offers starting to come in to tempt the floating supporter. And as Clubshop Sue said before the game – ‘We need to make football fun.’ I reckon its time we all raided our children’s toyboxes and started bringing as many musical instruments to games. I’ve heard Kieran Wonder-Wall is a daub hand on the xylophone.

As we gathered behind the goal, the mood was upbeat apart from Deano who ate a pasty so hot he nearly got rushed to the burns unit. At Billericay I was told we couldn’t bang the lid of the wheelie bin but could hit it with our drum sticks. The season before Havant stewards had told us to stop banging anything but today they mainly left us alone cos surely the idea of support is to er, make some noise and get behind your team? So it was double bubble bin banging barrage in the second half. We even got a Boing Boing Rebels in after a request although we do seem to have more songs about our managers and fans. They better not leave or we are lyrically stuffed.

The Slough Walking football team also said that Havant had rolled out the red carpet for them, although they had been less generous with the scoreline. We didn’t mind them losing, if it meant a Slough win and this was one of those days when the stars aligned, and our players put in a proper shift especially in the first half. However, when the officials signalled 10 minutes extra time, you feared the worse. Thankfully we weathered the storm, the ever reliable Sean Fraser made a last minute goal line clearance and the 3 points were ours. The Bindaloo Banging Rebel bandwagon rolled out of town with smiles and the odd blister across their faces. And I knew that I’d have much more fun than watching Brighton lose to Man City.

GIDDY WITH GOLD

Printed in the National League South game v Bath City Tuesday 26th October 2021. We won 2-1 in front of 624 crazy, happy people (well apart from the Bath fans).

You got to say that ISIS missed a trick. All that bad press could have easily been avoided if they had just bought themselves a football club. Then people would be in their corner waving their flag with TV pundits crowing that no one cares who the owners are.

Since the launch of the Premier League football fans have become experts at moral somersaults in support of their team. Of course it’s nothing new, but its now reached Olympian off-with-your-head proportions. ‘Your not singing any more’ as Newcastle's new owners decapitate anyone who disagrees, just as one critical journalist found out to his cost. Football is gangster capitalism on speed while getting players to occasionally wear rainbow laces to show they are inclusive. The club even put out a request to fans to not dress as Arabs as people might find that offensive.

Even that bastion of the left the Mail had a pop with Oliver Holt writing ‘The Premier Leagues ‘unabashed worship of money’ is no secret. But it has seldom seemed more flagrant than last week, when English football rolled out the red carpet to let a ‘purveyor of pre-meditated murder, mass executions, state sponsored misogyny and widespread oppression of LGBT rights’ take over Newcastle United.

Fans do care who owns them, granted its usually when things aren’t going to plan, but occasionally you get some saying enough is enough and starting their own clubs like FC United of Manchester that they can be proud to support.

So what really is the problem and how have Newcastle owners made the Chelsea one look like Snow White? The fiancee of murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi has said the Saudi Arabian-backed takeover of Newcastle United is "heartbreaking" for her. Khashoggi, a critic of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, was killed after being lured to the Saudi consulate in Istanbul in October 2018.

But its not just one journalist. Saudi Arabi is an absolute monarchy that tortures, jails and disposes of anyone who steps out of line. On the plus side it has oil so its owners are not only untouchable but everyone wants to be their mates. However its takeover of the club was initially stalled not cos of human rights abuses, but because it was pirating premier league games. A little beheading or two, we can forgive but encroach on our property rights. That really is crossing the line.

The Premier League approved the £305 million takeover after receiving ‘legally binding insurances’ that the Saudi state wouldn't control the club. So just who are the new Public Investment Fund (PIF) owners. Well Mohammed bin Salman the crown prince of Saudi Arabi, is the chair, and will provide 80% of the funds. On the board is the state minister, commerce minister, finance minister, tourism minister and investment minister of Saudi Arabia. Clearly no conflict of interest with that motley crew on the board. As one journalist put it “PIF owned the planes used by Khashoggi’s assassins...it's the financial arm of the Saudi dictatorship’s brutality. “There is no division between the PIF and the state."

But why would the Saudi Arabia state want to take over a football club? For their love of the beautiful game or for a bit of sports-washing, where a ‘corrupt or tyrannical regime uses sport to enhance it’s reputation.’ Bin Salman wants to be seen as a reformer and the Saudi Vision 2030 program aims to diversify the country's economy through investment in non-oil sectors including technology and tourism.

The problem is that we have gone so far down the dodgy owners worm hole, its hard for supporters to throw stones in glass houses. The excellent Arseblog article summed it up “one of the most disheartening things about football these days is that the genie is so far out of the bottle this kind of takeover is inevitable. I just think it’s a shame that the people who run the game have allowed this landscape to develop, and that fans who want their teams to be competitive basically have to hope and pray that they are taken over by a billionaire, an oligarch, or a nation state.

“Instead of putting in place some measures which at least try and maintain some measure of financial equanimity they have pandered to the people with money who now ride roughshod over almost every aspect of the game. Broadcasting behemoths call the shots at the expense of fans; rich owners distort the transfer market; players and agents capitalise with lucrative contracts and wages; advertisers and marketers piggyback; gambling firms leech off punters with intense adverting campaigns.

“This isn’t to be critical of Newcastle fans by the way. How can any Arsenal fan take the moral high ground on their takeover when you look at our club?Maybe the Newcastle thing is the straw that broke the camel’s back for some people – although some might argue it’s a case that those at the top don’t want another team to compete with due to their upcoming financial strength – but nobody stopped to notice the camel has been dead for a long, long time.”

As the Financial Times pointed out ‘The game is built on dirty money. Newcastle are ‘only’ following the well-trodden path of the UK government and city advisers. Far from Khashoggi’s murder being ‘a turning point’ in UK relations with Saudi Arabia, our exports (including arms have actually gone up to £6.7 billion, in the past year.’ Maybe we need to remember this, when we hear fans tell us how they have been suffering when their team isn’t setting the world alight. Is football really more important than life and death?

BIN-DALOO

Printed in the National League South game v Ebbsfleet United Saturday October 2021. We lost 3-1 in front of 757

I never thought I’d see the day when they would be rationing football but here we are with midweek lower league matches called off because of a lack of petrol. At the Albion game there wasn’t enough staff to serve the half time pies. Food is rotting in the fields cos there’s no one to pick it, and even if its ready to harvest there’s no drivers to collect and deliver. Gas prices are going through the roof and so is food. Now we are calling in the army to help. No doubt we will soon all be cycling to games and paying pounds, shillings and pence to get in.

Still, I was getting the train to Hungerford; no petrol shortage was going to stop me. Except there’s a shortage of train drivers meaning my next two trains were cancelled. As I waited in Gatwick I thought I’d treat myself to a fry-up – but of course its a covid ghost town with only an egg sandwich from Boots on offer. My oven-ready away day wasn’t quite going to plan.

Hungerford might be in the same county as Slough but it couldn’t be a more contrasting Berkshire if it tried. It’s bloody miles away for starters. Mark and Kieran Wonder-Wall found themselves in a teahouse cos the pubs weren’t open till 12 while the Brown Boys went antique shopping. The accent is more west country and the place is surrounded by forests.

The old timer in the Hungerford boozer didn’t believe we were short of drivers; maybe it will be a lack of beer in the pubs that will convince him. Or maybe he was still smarting from being in the Hungerford team that Slough thrashed 14-1 in the Amateur trophy in 1964.

With a population of just a few thousand Hungerford are seriously punching above their National League weight and yet always seem to be competitive and get one over on us. Their friendly hard working chairman greeted everyone at the gate where they had an impressive amount of deals to entice people in. I went for the £20 ticket which got me entry, a programme, a meal and a drink. This is the sort of marketing Slough were doing pre pandemic and I think if we want to find ways of attracting more fans to Arbour Park then £15 for our game against Whitehawk in the FA Cup was not the answer. Less than 400 of us turned up, and most wished we hadn’t. So i'm pleased we are using the international mini break to entice season ticket holders from other clubs. But we also need to entice people who don’t have a strong affiliation with anyone. Maybe a free can of petrol when you bring your family?

Away games bring out the best in fans whose long thirsty journeys loosen vocal chords, and the Rebel Rabble were in fine voice but needed something in the second half to take it to the next level. Unable to locate a brass band we turned to the trusty old wheelie bin to help us reach fever pitch.

Now Slough supporters love giving bins a good going over, which isn’t surprising really as the wheelie bin was a Slough invention. Yes, that’s right another claim to fame for the town that gave the world Mars Bars, Snooker, Zebra Crossings and Thunderbirds. OK it might not be as ground breaking as astronomer William Herschel, who set up a telescope in his Slough back garden and discovered Uranus. Still refuse collectors up and down the country owe Frank Rotherham Mouldings a beer. It was in their factory in 1968 where bins with wheels where used to transport waste from one corner of the factory to another. A visiting Health and Safety Inspector realised their potential and how they could stop the back injuries so many suffered from hoisting those heavy metal bins on their backs. It took until the late 1980’s to really catch on, when refuse collection lorries came into existence and could automatically pick up and empty them.

Deano reckons there’s a marketing gimmick to be had and I think he’s onto something. So what about Wheelie bin Rebels t-shirts or even wheelie rebel ear-rings. And how one Slough Town shrink wrapped for home games like some Dusty Bin mascot?

As a former drummer in a variety of terrible bands, I’ve got a history of hitting bongos, pots, pans and oil drums. Yes that’s right, one of our old bands specialised in bashing old oil drums with metal poles, making music that wasn’t to everyones taste. It earnt us our name ‘Urgh, Leave it Out’ when the landlord of the old Prince of Wales cupped his hands to his ears and told us to pack up and go mid gig. We used to pop down to Chalvey Tip for dole-days-out to collect old pieces of metal to jazz up our sound. Unfortunately we lost a lot of our kit when we took if to the Wapping picket line protesting against the print workers mass sacking by the Sun newspaper. We thought it would get everyone dancing, but the police were not amused. We got repeatedly charged by horses followed by batons and our instruments confiscated.

Some football officials take umbrage to our bin banging. At Havant and Waterloogedville they seemed to take exemption to us making any noise at all until their chief-chief-chief-steward told the young ones to reign it in. But Peak Bin happened some years back when we were away to Winchester City. Not wanting to be outdone by some impressive young drumming lads from Winchester College I found an old blue chemical bin and some broken goalposts. It was going so musically swimmingly until a steward said it was a health and safety risk! Excuse me, but they had obviously not been watching the football we were being served up at the time which wasn’t good for any Slough fans mental health.

If the Rebels had served up a load of rubbish against Whitehawk, the Hungerford display was much more what we had come to expect. A killer goal in the last seconds of the game to make honours even was probably a bit harsh but Slough had put in a shift and as a supporter that is what you want to see. I was thankful to Matt Lench for having a full tank of petrol and giving me a lift back to Brighton. He was joining a stag do late and you realise what a time commitment it is for part time players at our level.

I then managed to get an invite to a Labour Party fringe event on the Old Steine gardens in the middle of town to finish off an eventful day. ‘The World Transformed’ said the banner at the entrance. Well this government has certaintly managed to transform it over the past few months.