SCHOOLIGANS

 

To be printed in the National League South games v Weston-super-mare and Horsham Tuesday 10th and Friday 14th February 2026

If ever I was in need of a dose of Slough sanity it was the other Saturday... but I’d arranged a 60th + party at our pub to hopefully bring in a few extra quid to support our community activities. So yep I missed it. Slough Town 5 Full Time we-will-be-in-the-football-league-soon Chelmsford City 0. They might have to wait a little longer for that dream to come true.

I was in zoom work calls and clearing up rotten vegetables, but at least I was able to listen on Rebels Radio. As the goals flew in, its funny how those who like to moan when things aren't going so well, keep very quiet on days like these; almost as if they get a kick out of being grumpy moan-pants. They must be fun to be with. Still, thanks to everyone who messaged that I'd missed the best home performance of the season. You really are a caring bunch.

The only one sour note I heard was the trouble at the game with Spreadsheet Stu messaging before kick off about moody Chelmsford youngsters. What is it about wearing Burberry that can transform you into a Bellend? Stone Island into a sausage? It’s like the old days of football hooliganism all over again but this time for spotty teenagers, who like to play gangsters but as Taplow Rebel so eloquently put it couldn’t ‘knock the skin off a rice pudding.’ Football violence isn’t anything new, but with every second of our lives now filmed, any altercation is there for the world to see. Tik Tok for Toerags. Instagram for Idiots.

I’m not going to go all rose tinted about the good old days. My uncle stopped taking me to Fulham cos he didn’t think it was safe and Slough had its gangs who just loved a punch up. They even got the local paper to do front page headlines at one point, saying they just like to fight. And come on let’s be honest, some of our older supporters have a colourful past – but they are respectable now. Well maybe respectable isn’t quite the right description, let’s just say they have matured like an old boot.

Lower league football is thriving with a welcome boost in attendances and more cash for clubs lower down the pecking order. With the decimation of youth clubs, libraries closed, community centres boarded up, our level of football is one of the only cheap activities for young people to get together. And that’s a good thing. So what to do? Obviously the easiest option is ban the troublemakers from the games. But it’s all increased costs, more security, police, segregation...and slowly chipping away at the reasons we love non league...chatting to away supporters, changing ends at half time, not taking it too seriously cos well at the end of the day it’s just a game of football.

I don’t like the idea of collective punishment and the nuclear option from some clubs, banning all under 16 year olds unless accompanied with an adult. But something needs to change as there isn’t a matchday now without numerous reports of trouble at various grounds. Thankfully we’ve been mainly spared at Slough, a combination of lower crowds and our older supporters able to control the younger ones most of the time.

So how about a membership scheme (or season ticket) so we have regular supporters details and they aren’t penalised for something they haven’t done?

But if you want a punch up, find some farmers field somewhere and cover each others faces with cowpats; just don’t come dragging your gangsta fruitshoot attitude along to Slough Town thank you very much. Or dance around calling each others names for the cameras. You might just get a thick ear from a drumstick. A rolling pin from Sue. A blast of the trumpet from Nick. Or worse. A season ticket to Maidenhead United.

I don’t want people like my uncle deciding Arbour Park is not the place for their family. I want us known for our Slough-centric songs, wheelie bins, stupid instruments and having a laugh with everyone – cos coming to football should be fun, right?