IS THIS A DIOCESE

 

Printed in the FA Cup 2nd Qualifying round replay v Chichester City Tuesday 17th September 2024  We won 2-1 in front of 519

The FA Cup has given me some of my best Slough Town memories. 3-1 down to Reading then scoring two injury time goals to get a replay. Beating Paul Mersons Walsall when we were homeless. Sutton in a penalty shoot out replay in the rain.

I missed the Millwall game as I was working. Apparently some local lad called Gary Attrell won it for us.

In fact my first ever Slough away game was against Carshalton in one of the qualifying rounds. I can’t remember the score.

So while Slough were still playing friendlies, the competition began and I had to get in on some extra preliminary action. Bexhill was my first destination, its art deco art centre and 1920’s mock Tudor grandstand by the sea calling me. Except they share with the cricket so the game was moved to Hailsham which wasn’t quite so tempting.

So Eastbourne United Association it was then. I’ve been to Borough and Town; time to add United to this non league three teams town (there used to be four until Shinewater merged with United).

As a supped my pint in a boozer across the road from their Oval ground I was told that due to redevelopments the game had been moved to Newhaven. Oh fiddlesticks.

So a two hour round trip to see nothing, ending up back in the middle of town during Pride weekend where Brighton feels like Glastonbury without the mud or tents but hit by a million glitter balls.

The next cup game I was away in Hay-on-Wye but my FA Cup antennae sniffed out Malvern Town V Cleethorpes Town.

And now the Rebels were entering at the 2nd Qualifying round.

Chichester away was perfect. A new ground for everyone and just 50 smug minutes on the train for me. I’d visited the cathedral before for a meeting when we inadvertently went into the front room where the Archdeacon was watching TV. He looked as startled as us.

I arrived early and found a cafe amongst the cathedrals, churches and fancy cake shops. The diocese – which basically means district - is one of the largest in the Church of England, stretching nearly 100 miles.

Slowly the place started to fill up with Rebels – with large queues at the turnstiles and even larger at the bar.

Since Chichester merged with another local club briefly becoming City United they’ve progressed up the leagues, done up the ground and are now an Isthmian Premier League side. They even reached the second round proper recently after Bury went bust and they got a bye.

There were no signs showing your where to get to the football ground – apparently the local council won’t allow it.

A decent crowd of nearly 500 meant it was quite hard to see anything, but Chichester took the lead and held on until the 55th minute. Then in the 88th minute we scored again. Or maybe we didn’t. I was right behind the goal and it didn’t seem to cross the line, like some optical illusion. If we couldn’t tell standing right behind the goal, how hard was it for the match officials to know? Then in added time Chichester evened things up for a replay back at Arbour Park.

It seems ridiculous to scrap FA Cup replays in the so called proper rounds but not the qualifiers. If anything I would scrap the qualifying round replays and keep the proper round ones. Who would want to miss our trips to Grimsby and Reading ? These replays have also been a financial lifeline for many clubs – Exeter said it saved them from financial ruin when they drew with Manchester United. But we know us smaller teams don’t matter in the scheme of things.

As for Slough once again in these early rounds we got a get-out-of-jail card. I would love us to get to the 3rd round. We hold the unwanted record of getting to the 2nd round the most times of any club in the country but never reaching the 3rd.

I wonder if we would ever get that monkey off our back as I scratched my head and wondered if anything rhymes with Diocese. I pray there is.

ITS RAIN (HAM) MEN

 

Printed in the National League South game v Hemel Hempstead Saturday 7th September 2024  We finally lost at home after a year. 1-0 in front of 1203

                                           photo by TJRimages 

If there was one game not to miss it was last Saturdays momentous one against Weymouth where the Rebels secured victory and with it a year without losing at home.

Yet miss it I did as I was seriously geographically challenged in Wales at a place where the most common cause of death is a book falling on your head.

I studied the timetables and pondered the logistics but really this was too far to get to Slough and back without anyone noticing. I bought the local papers for some county league action but even those footballing gods were against me. I had no choice, I jumped on the rural bus Express hurtling through villages like Clehonger and Nantyglasdwr all the way to Hereford. Then on a Paddington train and headed to the hills. Should I fall asleep and explain to my missus that I didn’t wake up till Reading?

I alighted at the most scenic train station in the country. If you’re looking to make a period drama I’ve found the place. Malvern Town v Cleethorpes Town in the FA Cup 1st Qualifying round. I couldn’t find a pub but I did find a tree full of ripe figs and a box of cooking apples at a bus stop urging me to take them home. Normally I would oblige and they would end up as crumble at our pubs seniors lunch club but I was already weighed down with the sadness of missing the Slough game.

The last time I was near these parts was the Castlemorton Free Festival but best to keep that quiet. So I bought a programme and admired the one developed side of their ground with smart new stand and clubhouse with each table emblazoned with their badge. The only thing missing was showing the football rather than endless TVs of cricket.

As Malvern missed a host of chances and we headed towards a replay, I wondered how this round trip of 7 hours for part time players on a Tuesday night was ok but in the proper rounds of the FA Cup (like this one was somehow improper) have been abolished. Then I read that the League Cup has been seeded and really with my Brighton season ticket now binned, the Premier League and its narcissistic self obsession could do one.

A decent crowd of 391 saw Cleethorpes mount a last minute smash and grab winner. I then had to muster all my restraint not to hit the bin next to me in joy as news that the Rebels had achieved something special. And top of the league to boot. This was all tempered by finding out that the last bus to Hay on Wye had left at 6pm so an expensive taxi it was back to Wales.

It might be geographical bias but I often want clubs that are a pain to get too relegated or promoted. Or are just plain rude (Here’s looking at you Waterloogedville). Aveley we’re certainly on this list – too many train changes then a taxi from Rainham to the middle of nowhere.

Rainham is a funny old place. As you come out of the station with its dominating church, you can imagine what it looked like as a village but now surrounded by boarded up pubs, chicken shops and tiny new builds.

We were drinking in a not particularly nice boozer when Spreadsheet Stu came up with a plan to circumvent this cultural desert – where even the war memorial had a boarded up window and the football club has long gone. We walked along the High Street until we came to a forlorn sign announcing the Cauliflower. That’s a pub I could get my teeth into but sadly all that was left was the sign and it was now a curry house.

We approached the seafood stall and asked if we could get into Rainham Working Mens Club. In a flash it was sorted. ‘We don’t get no trouble or drug dealing in here, the regulars would sort them out’ we were told as we signed in. Looking around I didn’t doubt it. We were then given tours by proud members. The place was cavernous with two massive bars, snooker hall, pub garden, and a football pitch for two of the clubs teams. Maybe a phoenix Rainham Town could play here?

This place like so many across the country acts as a fixed point in a sea of change. Where people feel comfortable and safe. Feel in control and listened too. I hope they prosper and encourage new people, cos these are the community spaces that make such a massive difference. And I know I bang on like the pub bore, but if we keep heading to Wetherspoons then these places will become fewer and fewer.

Now stewards are often my nemesis, especially those that have developed a love for something you put rubbish in, taking it as a personal affront when you use it temporarily as a musical instrument. Haven’t they heard of the band Stomp? Or getting a life? Not at Aveley. Last years friendly steward John was there to greet us, shaking hands with everyone and telling us we were his favourite fans as he wheeled the biggest bin ever for us to hit. It only seemed right to buy him and his lad a drink. We won comfortably and headed to the top of the league. Blimey. What a difference a year makes.

I’ve crossed Aveley off my want-to-be-relegated list. Thankfully Eastbourne Borough and Worthing are just around the corner. And I’ve enjoyed watching travelling Rebels struggle how to get to see-you-in-an-hour Chichester. Even a geographically challenged doughnut like me couldn’t miss these ones.

And finally….if a photo sums our club up was the one at the end of the Weymouth game with players and everyone behind the goal. I might superimpose myself in. We’ve got something very special going on that so many people have worked hard to make happen. I salute you all.