POSTCARDS FROM THE OTHER ENGLAND

 

To be printed in the National League South game v Hemel Hempstead Town Saturday 26^th September 2026

I’m really not a holiday person. Flying somewhere that is overrun with tourists; sitting on a beach, twiddling my thumbs, watching people stuff their faces and take photos that no one will ever look at. No thanks. My idea of the perfect break is a Friday night in Torquay or Weymouth before a game. Weston-super-mare to look at the mud, an FA Cup excursion to Bedfont to watch the planes, a drink in a Salisbury pub with a severed hand in a glass case in the wall. Evocative aromas from Sutton Coldfield's clubhouse, that trolley dash in Telford, breaking my veganism in Gateshead when all I could find to eat was raisins - but didn’t that cheese toastie taste good. An early train to Slough for a breakfast curry, another delayed train to some town you would otherwise pass by. If I ever decided to go on Mastermind my specialist subject would be obscure places I have visited watching Slough.

Of course, I’m lucky my work is based at a community garden that is a green oasis – a day up there is good for the soul; well unless the slugs have eaten everything and the squirrels have nicked all the fruit and nuts.

Me and the missus once went on a short break to Bury St Edmunds, our first since our eldest was born. So imagine our surprise when we pulled up outside the hotel to find that Bury Town’s ground was nearby and they were playing Slough the following day! Just what were the odds? As we wandered round the town, she asked why two tramps were waving at us – er, cos their Slough supporters! After the game we had a romantic curry with a dozen Rebel fans. A holiday she will never forget.

I love that Friday night/Saturday feeling, the group chats about where, when and how. Then thanks to some detective work from Scott, CEO of the McNeish Media empire, I read a brilliant blog on the ‘Tales from the Paddock’ an unofficial Port Vale site that captures those away day excursions perfectly.

“The modern world is obsessed with well being. Absolutely obsessed with it. We are encouraged to slow down, practice mindfulness, reconnect with nature and find our peace. And obviously there’s nothing wrong with that. Yet every Saturday, hundreds of thousands of us voluntarily drag ourselves out of bed, hungover, at a ridiculous hour, to go and watch football.

“We travel enormous distances at significant expense to destinations you’ll never see featured in travel brochures. Lower-league football fans know England in a way few others do. Not the England of postcards and tourist campaigns, of Wish You Were Here and Judith Chalmers. Not the England of the Peak District or the Cotswolds or the Lake District, or Cathedrals and historic buildings or those places of beauty that a normal person might look to visit on a weekend. No. We go to the other England.

“The England of industrial estates and brutalist new towns. The England of concrete precincts and faded municipal ambition. Of sweeping flyovers and monolithic tower blocks. Of isolation, poverty, addiction and depression. The England of market towns reached by two connecting trains and a replacement bus service. The England of tired, bleak Victorian seaside resorts. The England of pubs serving a cheap and cheerful breakfasts at nine in the morning. The England of social clubs and beer poured into plastic pint pots; chip shops with handwritten signs promising the best Pie and Peas in town; shortcuts through piss-drenched alleyways; a sausage roll and a can of Tyskie from a Nisa Local opposite a boarded up bank.

“The England of streets that have been overlooked by the modern world, clustered around increasingly forlorn looking (but still wonderful) grounds, where washing lines hang between terraces and floodlights rise unexpectedly above rooftops like medieval church spires... Now, there is an allure to these places if you are prepared to look for it, it’s not a conventional beauty, but a determined resilience that demands our respect for those who call them home.”

I mean if that doesn’t whet your whistle then nothing will.

So now it’s the international break and if these adventures into the unknown tickles your fancy, then I highly recommend a trip to Slough the Town followed by the football. Sure there’s not a lot of sight seeing unless you like data centres, stuffed dead dogs and derelict shopping centres. And yes, the High Street isn’t going to win any beauty awards. And yes, most of the pubs have been shut. But there are just so many places to eat, with dishes from all over the world, and cheap as chips as well. So ditch that trip to Disneyland and treat the family to a lower league weekend break. You really won’t regret it.

* Subscribe to Tales from the Paddock https://portvaleunofficial.co.uk

POINTS FAILURE AT SLOUGH, NO DOUGHNUTS AT TOTTON

 

Printed in the FA Cup 2nd Qualifying round game v Chatham Town Saturday 19th September 2026. We lost 1-0 in front of 490

It’s not been the best start, to put it mildly. Seven straight defeats. Manager and assistant sacked. Fed up fans, poor home crowds, our worst start in years. Some serious points failure at Slough. But if we are honest with so much money in this league and losing Scotty Davies, we knew this season was going to be tough.

The financial disparity was illustrated at our bank holiday trip to Dagenham. Another club with lofty ambitions with the backing amongst others of KSI. Our younger supporters were excited but I hadn’t a clue who he was or what he did. Just another tedious influencer?

The financial disparity in the country was highlighted by the drinks stop in Plaistow. Me and Mark Bailey met with the West Ham massive Vinny and Mark at one of the few remaining pubs, The Black Lion. When West Ham moved out of the area so did their thousands of pre-match drinkers, highlighting how football clubs are such an important part of the economic ecosystem. The pub was a lovely old coaching inn that has had to reinvent itself while Plaistow could do with a whole lot of cash and also some serious reinvention.

KSI first gained a following by filming himself playing the computer game Fifa at his parents’ house in Watford and quickly became one of the most famous YouTubers in Britain. I really can’t get my head round people watching someone playing a game on a computer, but he’s also branched out into music, boxing, the Baller League and Prime drink. He’s obviously a smart business man but also an example of First Mover Advantage, where those with an original idea can carve out a career before the market gets swamped. Gain a competitive edge before everyone copies you.

Now he’s taken a 20% stake in Dagenham & Redbridge. “I’m excited to start this journey. It's gonna be a roller-coaster for sure but I hope to bring Dagenham & Redbridge back to the glory days. And once we reach that point, I want to go even further. Reaching the Premier League would be a dream. And I believe it is 100% doable. It will take a long time, so to the Daggers fans, please be patient.”

I’m not so sure what he means about Dagenham’s glory days. In my younger years Dagenham used to be a regular Isthmian League fixture – the massive stand that today housed the Slough fans was once a grass bank as Dagenham devoured clubs around them like a Blue Whale swallowing krill. But this Premier League rubbish; well him and his investors are going to need some very, very deep pockets just to get out of the National League. Wrexham have been there, done it and spent a fortune on the way - and helped by First Mover Advantage. As for the Daggers, well they used to play Sheffield Wednesday but are now back playing Slough.

The problem for KSI and others investing in clubs and promising the earth, is that they are seriously late to the party. There’s not a week that goes by without some club announcing foreign investment but how many are really going to do a Wrexham? Much more likely to go bust and leave the fans to pick up the pieces.

AFC Totton was a more gentile proposition to the rough and tumble of London. Slough Town’s owners worked with the Supporters Trust to put on free coach travel while I had a leisurely trip down by the coast to Southampton. Then those dreaded words flashed up on my phone. Rail Replacement. Oh the trials and tribulations of supporting Slough as I waited for over an hour for the replacement bus that forget to pick us up; with the grand old pub across the road now flats leaving me gasping with only a goods yards and a giant Lidl for company. The short trip became a torturous sardine experience. My plans for a wander round Totton, reading the local paper over breakfast then a pub crawl – all out the window. I bumped into the West Ham boys where we found a friendly and very busy local – at just £11 for 3 pints, I’m not surprised.

Now Slough aren’t the best supported team at home, but boy do we travel away. Considering we had lost seven on the spin, around 150 congregated in Totton's new stand only to be told this was for home fans only – like your old gran’s ‘Sunday best room’ only used for special occasions. Dirty Slough boots wasn’t one of those occasions, so we got moved to the side. Even worse, the doughnut stall had vanished.

Considering Totton is a stones throw from Southampton they are well supported and its a pretty friendly club. So friendly they let the Rebels have their first win of the season. We held onto a deserved one nil victory that put a spring back in everyone’s step...the perfect away day as I tried to convince Brentford fans on their way back from Bournemouth to come and watch the Rebels rather than that Premier League-VAR nonsense.

Now its the FA Cup and familiar opponents Chatham Town, a level below but full time and making great strides.

Slough hasn’t got any influencers, gamers or candlestick makers. There’s no big investors. But the club has got good people with big hearts. I feel sorry for those formerly in charge but putting two of our favourite players Johnny G and Henry with Ryan in charge was a stroke of genius. A cup run would be a very welcome shot in the financial arm and bring back more of the feel good factor, so lets make some noise like we did at Totton. I might even treat you all to some doughnuts.

ADVENTURES IN THE SOUTHERN COMBINATION

Printed in the National League South game v Braintree Town Saturday 5th September 2026  We lost 2-1 in front of 565. That's 6 straight defeats

It's too hectic at work to bother with friendlies. So my pre season warm up was courtesy of the Southern Combination League, which is mainly teams representing small towns and villages across Sussex with the odd exotic location thrown in like Guernsey and Lingfield and the mysterious Dial Square. It's the sort of league were players swap clubs like children do football stickers.

Brighton is like one of your friends who never stops partying, no matter what day of the week or what time of year. Come Pride Weekend this is turbo charged madness when hundreds of thousands join the party. Think Glastonbury minus the tents but with a million pieces of glitter covering the streets.

But I had other plans. A trip to Newhaven no less.

The football club has mirrored the small towns fortunes. Newhaven Football Club had at one point sunk to Division 3 with a massive stand that had stood derelict for over 15 years as a previous owner ran out of money before finishing it. The town centre surrounded by a large ring road was desolate and depressing.

Fast forward a few years and there's been plenty of investment – in the town and football club. Lots of sports and new facilities, cafe, new loos, community garden to add to the bowls, cricket, tennis, bike park surrounding the ground. The fort's been done up...there's even a micro-pub which is always a sign of something brewing. Still I had my eyes on the Prince of Wales, a proper back street boozer with traditional green tiling but worryingly a For Sale sign outside. The contrast to Pride couldn't be more stark. Infact I was the only customer. As the very elderly landlady grimaced at my bank card, I asked if it would still be a pub if sold and she said yes. Eventually other punters popped in, comfortable in the place like a well worn pair of slippers. We so need these spaces to survive and thrive.

After Thatcher sold off Newhaven Port, along with the rest of the countries treasure - something that is now biting us in the bum as we are fleeced for everything - the sandy beach that people had used for generations has been closed by the French owners because of the old health and safety routine. A few weeks ago, people took some direct action, busted down the gates and enjoyed the beach in the sweltering temperatures our climate now delivers. It's been made even more secure now, but really is it beyond the wit of man to give the seaside town its best beach back for families to enjoy?

As I approached the ground, children appeared from everywhere in their Newhaven kit and the crowd topped a healthy 312 who got to see a very decent end to end game. Crawley Down Gatwick looked to play the better football and were quick in defence, going a goal up within 3 minutes while Newhaven went into a back-passing-to-the-keeper loop. Things changed after the second half when Newhaven got a goal back then missed a host of very decent chances. A sub in the dug out managed to get himself sent off. Youngsters behind the opposition dugout where asked to move after giving the Crawley Down manager grief. Others had a drum, one even hit a wheelie bin. It ended 1-1 and I even got to see the obligatory ferry pull up alongside the ground. A very decent start to my footballing season.

Next up was Hassocks, which I hadn't visited since they beat Bromley in an FA Cup game 25 years ago, when Bromley were a couple of divisions higher in Ryman League Division One. I wonder where they are now?

This was a totally different Newhaven from Saturday. In your face, front footed and committed. Apart from a few last minute goal clearance scrambles i'd say they were worthy of their 3 points

Like Newhaven's ground, Hassocks has been transformed. Mind you, if i was a local garden centre i'd be checking my outdoor bench stock. Hassocks ground was littered with them. I counted 17 behind the goal alone and one had a gazebo with a family enjoying a picnic.

The grass pitch was as you would expect from a prolonged drought hard and patchy but pretty decent considering. Sports clubs can water but thanks to another successful sell off, those bills are eye watering. Still, at least some shareholders somewhere will be coining it in.

Hassocks pulled off the impossible a couple of seasons back, winning the Southern Combination Premier league with allegedly no playing budget. Unfortunately they only lasted a season in the Isthmian. The guy in the car park said he could already see the difference in quality from the Isthmian after they dismantled Lingfield 5-1 on the opening day. But they struggled at times tonight and relied on some bullet throw ins into the box to create chances.

The Hassocks chairman has obviously got his head screwed on and the ground has a flashy score board with jazzy graphics, there's even a mascot, two bars and places to eat. Its neat, tidy and the locals obviously enjoy coming here, with a crowd of 352.

Hassocks programme editors also deserve credit for brilliant copy. 'One half of your programme editing team would like to especially welcome Newhaven assistant manager Clive Blunt, who did an excellent job building my new kitchen last year' set the tone for an entertaining read.

Newhaven and Hassocks are two proper community clubs, doing things the right way. Let's hope they both have successful seasons on and off the pitch.