SOCIAL MEDIA FOR DUMMIES

To be printed in the National League South game v Folkestone Invicta Saturday 29th August 2026

Our first two away games received 5 star ratings in the Non League Paper. Exciting? I suppose you could call them that with two impressive fightbacks, but the end results were very deflating. Especially at Hampton who hadn't scored a goal all season until they put five past us.

Dover is one of those odd places where there are so many tourist attractions you wonder how the place isn't more upmarket. Still, there are some dirt cheap proper boozers to chat with the home fans. Next away was Hampton and their big home coming; new 3G pitch and other improvements; they are even building a mini park behind the stand for little 'uns. Their surrounding area is like the old children's programme Camberwick Green. The place oozes wealth, with quirky pubs and cafes, village greens and butchers serving up meat wraps to passers by as people skip serenely to the ground. The local paper led with a Stag having to be put down after attacking someone having a picnic! The contrast to Slough High Street could not be more stark.

Their programme (which i was sold in one of the local cafes) said 'We look forward to experiencing Slough's passionate and colourful travelling support on the terraces.' And we were magnificent at the start - but it descended into bickering amongst ourselves. Where we used to all sing from the same song sheets we are currently a family in need of group therapy. Or three points.

I feel sorry for our management team. They had ridiculously big boots to fill when Scott Davies left. Decisions out of their control have exacerbated the three defeats whereas before we were more understanding of our place in this brutal league. Many have already given up hope of us escaping relegation.

And then the club announced they are clamping down on youngsters coming into the ground – massively raising prices, introducing an ID scheme and charging away fans two pounds to join it if they want to get into Arbour Park - this later measure seeing us come under hostile fire on social media.

I recently read a book about how the brain works, like you do, maybe in the hope of expanding mine. Apparently an apple a day and a MarsBar should do it. The main take I got is that teenagers are hardwired to only care about what their peers think. They have to impress their friends, and this is now amplified a million times by the social media companies. This has had tragic consequences with two police officers killed and a family seriously injured in two separate incidents by youngsters driving the wrong side of the road, making content for Tik Tok. The backlash has quite rightly been one of anger but when an Irish parliamentary committee asked TikTok to come and talk about why this content can't be banned from their platform they refused. Like the old cigarette companies refusing to acknowledge that smoking caused you any harm. Nothing to do with us guv.

I used to travel around with Slough usually on the coach when i was young. Admittedly non league was in the doldrums, crowds were small, grounds were falling apart while league football had a serious hooligan problem that put many people off going. Now football is booming, young people are turning to lower league because it is affordable. But let's be honest its not been great with constant reports of crowd trouble over the past couple of seasons. Youngsters dressed in black, giving it large seems to have evolved from the Stone Island Schooligans. It's like performative dance for doughnuts. We even had our last game of the season against Enfield segregated after the police had concerns that Slough supporters were going to be ambushed. Good luck with that one. Unless they meant ambushed by a pub.

But I really do think young people have it tough these days compared to the freedoms I had growing up. The bankers crashed the economy so we closed all the youth clubs to balance the books. Over one thousand shut their doors for good while banks got a bailout. Libraries have closed or hours reduced. Schools have become data obsessed exam factories. Every scrap piece of land where we used to play has been built on. Sure there's more activities to do, but you need parents with deep pockets to be able to take part.

I'm not into collective punishment for being young. Everyone wants to belong and young people need more not less safe spaces overseen by adults. And the irony is that clubs like Slough have an even bigger role to play now local government finances have been decimated – 51% of Slough Councils budget goes on adult and children's social care. Slough Town has seriously stepped up to help fill in the gaps with hundreds of youngsters regularly playing or engaging with the club. I love seeing Arbour Park full of people from all different ages and backgrounds, and it was a great atmosphere at our home game against Farnham Town.

I'm not sure what the solution is, but I hope lower league football doesn't becomes another place where young people aren't welcome because a small minority abuse it. It's a very fine line to tread and we must make sure that Slough Town is affordable and accessible for everyone.

And as for that poor stag?  The Royal Parks said it was alarmed to see photos and videos online showing visitors feeding and getting close to the deer, despite being told not too. This causes deer to lose their natural fear of people and start seeking food from visitors. I'm so glad Slough has become the largest collection of data centres in Europe to make sure all this useful content is stored nice and safe, while libraries are closed. Maybe it's time for a new data centre song. 

A BIT OF FINANCIAL BOTHER

Printed in the National League South game v Farnham Town Tuesday 18^th August 2026  We lost 1-0 in front of 836

Well that was disapointing. I'd polished my sticks, even eyed up a new xylophone. Then a message arrived on my phone from Clubshop Sue.

Our game was off. Ebbsfleet were on the naughty step and not allowed to kick a ball for 3 games. I'm no expert, but maybe twelve seconds before the season was about to start wasn't the best timing.

Apparently Ebbsfleet being subject to a winding-up petition by His Majesty's Revenue and Customs over unpaid debts was the final straw. The National League has also informed the Independent Football Regulator it's very, very cross and the club are now under a transfer embargo.

If Ebbsfleet were in a bit of financial bother - they have been in debt for a decade with cumulative losses of a staggering £22.8 million - which in most peoples books would count as a bit of bother, Slough were now going to take a significant financial hit. Saturdays first home game of the season would have been a big deal with a big crowd, food and refreshment sales - all now lost because of lets face it, a team who have been flying close to the wind ever since they ditched the glorious name of Gravesend and Northfleet.

To rub salt into the wound, plans for their new 8,000 seater stadium had been rejected. They are now waiting for new owners to come on board and sort out the mess.

I do feel sorry for their supporters; although supporters can also be their clubs worst enemies, demanding they overspend to keep up with the Joneses. But this also felt like Slough were being penalised. Our clubs owners have worked tirelessly to make us financially sustainable, while others in our league throw ridiculous amounts of cash at promotion. Maybe, just maybe the new football regulator will sort this out.

So twiddling my drum sticks I thumbed through the Non League Paper but none of the local FA Cup games caught my eye.

So a short bus trip to Shoreham Football Club instead who were playing Selsey. Last season Shoreham had a nightmare. Top of the Southern Combination Premier League briefly at the beginning, Saltdean United from the division below, poached their manager and some of their best players. Fast forward to April and they were relegated with just 18 points, conceding 136 goals. This relegation meant Shoreham are now too low down the pecking order to compete in the FA Cup, so this was the opening day in Division One.

Just before kick off, I asked the chairman how he thought the season would go and he replied that he didn't have a clue. Seven minutes after kick off and neither apparently did his defenders as they conceded 3 quick goals. Blimey this could be a long season. Shoreham found their feet in the second half but it finished 4-1. But I will say this. Shoreham have worked so hard off the pitch to get things right, it was a decent crowd for of 153 who didn't get on their backs and they even had a young drummer behind the goal with his mate. Very impressive for what is effectively Division 10

Players being poached is the bane of the football fan. We know money talks and we know people will move if they are offered more. I don't really blame them; if another company offered you more cash for doing the same job, wouldn't you leave? And let's be clear, there's no loyalty to players from clubs when they want to get rid.

So let's get ready to finally rumble at Arbour Park. Against a team who have been transformed by the chairman's deep pockets but also his impressive business and marketing nous. I love his honesty on football money matters. His breakdown financially and forensically how the club made £100,000 during the two play off games to get to the National League South is fascinating. Not just the revenue streams but how it was done, the thoughts and processes to make sure those who came had a brilliant time, stayed longer, spent more money – and wanted to come back again. I love the fact he asks questions on social media, talks about income and expenditure and ideas on how to help improve it. He's worked hard to get punters through the turnstiles, although obviously winning a lot helps.

I wish more clubs took a leaf out of his book. Then maybe, just maybe if football fans knew the true cost of running a football club they would be a little more understanding. Too many want to win at any cost. Unfortunately for Ebbsfleet fans that grim overspending reality is now staring them down the barrel of a financial gun.

SOMETHING TO BELIVE IN

 

Not in the programme cos I mentioned the C word

And now no game anyway cos Ebbsfleet are once again a financial car crash.

At least Buddhism for Beginners published it.

I once read a few books on Buddhism and decided like you do, it was for me. I admit my understanding was a bit flaky and I certainty didn't want to walk round in a yellow robe (it might have been different if it was amber and blue). One of their philosophies ‘the middle way' is about avoiding the extremes of attachment and anger. Which is hard to do if you like football. Buddhists say enjoy the game but don't let winning or losing cause deep suffering. At the time this interest in Buddhism was in step with falling out of love of football, fed up that a bad Slough result would dictate my moods and ruin a weekend.

As i jumped in a car on another one of my hitch-hiking adventures it was a vicar who stopped for me. We talked about religion, and I mentioned Buddhism and admitted that I didn't have a high regard for Christianity after being made to sing dull hymns that made no sense or listening to a very overweight vicar asking for help to support starving people in his African parish. Sorry sir, but maybe stop helping yourself to all the cream cakes. But this vicar was off to prison to carry out the work of God. Helping people. He was charismatic, calm and challenging and asked what really was the difference between Buddhism and Christianity. It was a conversation that stayed with me a long time.

When we decided to re-open The Bevy on our estate as a community pub, it was the local vicar who helped spearhead the campaign. He was funny, approachable and when people asked why he believed in God – he told them that sometimes he didn't!! When he left the parish the pub was packed with well wishers and i told him he was such a good bloke, i almost wanted to believe in a God.

So back to the problem with investing so much into supporting one team and trying to find a ‘Middle Way’. Throughout the season we are going to get angry, sad, happy, drunk (ok, that's not an emotion, but it’s good at exaggerating them) and everything inbetween. Can I stay calm in amongst the chaos of a football match? Football feelings are so fleeting are they worth the pain?

Well the one thing football can almost uniquely deliver is Euphoria.

The problem is how long does that euphoria last? A few days after game, promotion, or winning the league, or a cup, or just staying up against all the odds. It’s not soon after when you start fretting. My work is so maniac in the summer on top of a heatwave which meant i turned into a human watering can, I don't pay much attention to the closed season white noise....we've signed no players, we've signed the wrong ones, we've lost our best ones, our budget is too small, we should be going full time. Oh and we lost our manager to Aldershot, which you didn't need to be a psychic to know that this was always on the Tarot cards. Then the club scored a silly own goal in my opinion by ditching our old badge.

In a world that is a hundred miles an hour, those of us that aren't religious need something to hang on too. Some, encouraged by weasel politicians, hark back to a time that never really existed (Let’s call them the Rose-tinted Party). But traditions, old buildings, pub names, symbols and places do matter. Part of who we are and where we come from, our stories and sense of belonging, all mixed up to make us unique.

I'm all for honouring Sloughs rich history but you need to be on magic mushrooms to see a zebra crossing and telescope in that design. And one of the things I like when wearing my Slough top, is the conversations i have with people about the town and the club. A town I’m proud to say I’m from and defend its honour with such witty one liners like ‘yeah well we invented the wheelie bin’. A club I’m proud to say I support with its turbo-charged community work bringing a social glue to a diverse town. With my good looks, im like a mobile marketing machine. So it seems a bit of a marketing own goal to remove the name of the place you represent from the tops?

But come the beginning of the season, I will be supporting Slough Town with the rest of the Rebel Army. Because that's what we have together as supporters. Different people from all walks of lives with different views, wanting one thing. Success for our football club.

So here’s to trying to remember as the season hurtles on, to take a breath; that when we do have those moments of euphoria let's take time to enjoy it with our mates, on the terraces, in the pubs.

As our old mucker Kieran Wonder Wall used to say – the hour before kick off is the most optimistic for every football fan. So what about the hour before the beginning of a new season?

I really believe that our togetherness as supporters has helped the club over the line on numerous occasions. The few hundred hardy souls who watched us when we were a homeless car crash defiantly keeping the sprit of Slough Town alive. We don't need to buy into everything or stop criticising when we don’t believe in certain decisions, but when that whistle blows at the start of the game; if we don't stick together, then its going to be a lot harder for the club we love to give us those moments of euphoria that makes life just so much sweater.

So come on you rebels; let the journey, the beers, tear, cheers and bin banging begin. You might even occasionally find me in a corner during a match praying for victory. Or even jingling some Buddhist bells.

THE ALTERNATIVE SLOUGH TOWN AWARDS

Printed in the National League South game v Dagenham and Redbridge Saturday 25th April 2026. Last game of the season. We won 3-2 in front of 1,077

So here we are, last game of the season. It’s been fun, frustrating, loud, drunken, nail biting, why did I bother, can’t believe I missed that one and everything inbetween – exactly what you’d expect in a football season.

Now to those awards

Best sounding ground/bin Whilst I looked fetching in my Bedfont Sports bin hat, it was the Tubular Bell sound of Dover's stands that win its. I’m going to record my next album there. Captain Henry also notable mention for climbing on the bins at Macclesfield to get the crowd going.

Better late than never...no not that 98th minute equalizer against Moaninghead or the last gasp cup winner against Enfield but the supporters bus to Maidstone. Still they did get to see us win.

Mullet of the year Jimmy the Mullet, who also wins cowboy boot of the year. And also making me, Vinny and Gaz the Sandwich Gooseberries of the Year for inviting us along to his first date when we were in Torquay. Honourable mention must also go to Jimmy for finding a piece of metal in his pint before last Saturdays game and then getting a free replacement and the phone number of the woman serving him.

Best song

I quite liked ‘You used to play Sheffield Wednesday, now your back playing Slough.’ Not sure Dagenham did. ‘That stack of cups, its bigger than you’ also wins the quick-fire terrace humour award. Not sure who they were singing it at, as I couldn’t see.

Best away day...Got to be Eastbourne Borough by a kiss-me-quick-golden-pier mile. This follows hot on the heals of Weymouth last season. Both got relegated. Moral of the story, don’t let Slough fans pick you as an away weekend or you will be doomed (maybe we should all go and stay in Chelmsford).

I would walk 500 miles Chelsea John enjoying Eastbourne so much he decided to walk around it late at night for hours and hours.

Most gutting Macclesfield. Another loss in the second round of the FA Cup. Boo

The Marc White Show

Still moaning about injuries despite Dorking having 207 players on the books

Biggest head loss Maidenhead who are still complaining about the injustices of giving us 4 points

You can’t take that in...Nigel's offensive shaving foam, which could have had someone's beard off.

One day Rodney, we are going to be in the football league

Not quite, Eastbourne, not quite….still I’m sure that YouTube documentary was worth it.

Spent the most cash for nothing

Eastbourne Borough again (please note, I like this football club, don’t want them relegated, have written to my MP about it).

Best food

As a vegetarian, got to say Slough. Totton's doughnut van worthy of a mention.

Best Dance

15 year olds wearing Stone Island practising their TikTok moves while shadow boxing.

Best stewards

Hornchurch and Farnborough

Worst ground

Take a running track jump Chelmsford

Best programme Got to go with Sloughs, not much original content in the others; but really if you want your finger on the pulse about the National League then I recommend Where’s the Bar?

I don’t believe it

The goalkeepers of Slough and Torquay playing in the same match, going to the same school St. Josephs which overlooks the ground. What are the odds?

Things that don’t make sense

Soft segregation. Bouncy castles instead of metal barriers?

Hybrid training. On Wednesdays we only practice with one leg tied behind our backs.

Things we don’t like to see

Clubs in the same league poaching our players before the season ends...surely after January that’s just rude.

Segregation – it should be a last resort

Mullets. Please tell me how they have made a fashion comeback, you bunch of Wurzels.

Seaside towns getting relegated

Clubs losing hundreds of thousands in Division 6 (South). We all know its going to end in tears

Right, that’s enough of my drivel, I’m off to tend my vegetables. It’s been a laugh. See you all next season.

ANOTHER SEASON IN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE SOUTH

 

Printed in the National League South game v Torquay United Saturday 11th April 2026  We lost 5-1 in front of 1,292

It was the point that just about mathematically cemented another season in the National League South – and as an added bonus put a dent in our nearest and dearest rivals play off hopes. Who doesn’t love a 98 minute equaliser, after being two down then a mass brawl as they beers and songs flowed. ‘No one likes to see those scenes’ as 2 million viewed them on social media.

Now it’s time to start looking at next seasons line up. I wont shed any tears for losing Chippenham or Bath but Eastbourne? That’s just rude. And Enfield. I’ve always had a soft spot for the first football owned club in the country. They should have saddled themselves with hundreds of thousands worth of debt and they might have survived.

Folkestone are on their way which could be an away weekend. Walton and Hersham is near but play in a stadium that I’ve not heard glowing reports about. Hopefully it will be more fun than the last time I went to Hersham. I got totally lost in the pouring rain one Tuesday evening trying to find their old Stompond Road ground. This was a world before phones and it seemed anyone on the streets who I could ask for directions. I arrived just before half time starving and soaked. I could only get a burger bun with onions and cheese - then the game got called off before the second half started. I sat freezing waiting for the train back home questioning my sanity after seeing no football but feeling like I'd wet my pants.

I wanted Farnborough relegated until we visited the other weekend; the friendliest club in the world; cheap to get in and no doubt in a gesture to placate their disgruntled fans a free pint when you bought two. As you would expect the Rebel Rabble made sure they also enjoyed this offer and the place was packed with noisy, inebriated Slough in their impressive stadium.

No one would ever wish to go to Chelmsford again – and now its an even worse offer with segregation. They’ve always had some muppet supporters – in Sloughs worst ever season they beat us 5-0 - but still their former Canvey Island King manager abused us. Then as we left some toothless grinning idiot threatened me and Nigel, who politely reminded him after another Slough Town thrashing there really wasn’t any need for more unpleasantness. If only Nigel had bought his shaving foam, we could have given him a short back and sides. Still Deano decided to spend his birthday there with 40 other hardy Slough supporters and still a few of their dickhead fans tried to kick off. Fair play to their club for apologising and banning two of them. Mind you that incident got us segregated at Ebbsfleet, which is another nice ground but still think the name Gravesend and Northfleet United should have had a preservation order on it. They were all good as gold apart from confiscating Nigel's shaving foam, although he managed to sneak in his scat-a-cat. Then they had to spoil their hospitality with two late goals to win it but hats off to the club for saving the local pub by buying it.

Selfishly I don’t want Worthing to go up, Dorking you can have a lovely historic drink but its a terrible stand for away fans. Torquay you can stay, cos its nice to be beside the seaside. Although not so kiss-me-quick fun paying £22 to get in.

So who else will be joining us? I’ve never been to Farnham. I like their owners honesty when it comes to revenue streams and trying out new ideas to attract punters; although having a big budget and winning most of your games is probably the one that gets people through the turnstiles. Berkhamsted has a lovely pub by the canal. We could sack off the coach and all go by barge. You can make some ceramics at Poole. I’ve never been to Brentwood but you can keep Billericay. Could Burgess Hill sneak in? Would make up for Eastbourne a bit, although I wouldn’t recommend a holiday there.

So whose coming down? It’s back to Cornwall to play Truro. And the long, winding train to Braintree. I reckon stick both of them in the North for a laugh and move Merthyr to the South so I can get my teeth stuck into some proper Welsh cakes. How about Eastleigh? We haven’t been there for years and they have certainty spruced up the place. You can even do some plane spotting if Heathrow doesn’t satisfy your aviation needs.

Still the minor miracle is that little old Slough have done it again. Against all the odds, against half the teams being full time and spending a fortune trying to escape (which I suppose Eastbourne Borough have managed, just not the way they had hoped). On small crowds, young players, players being constantly poached and community activities through the roof we’ve had another season to be proud of.

And I mean, who doesn’t want to come and visit sunny old Slough?

FINANCIAL MELTDOWN

Printed in the Good Friday game v Maidenhead United National League South Friday 3rd March 2026.  We drew 2-2 in front of 1,934

We all want our football clubs to do well – but at what cost? Should we try and reach for the stars and bugger the consequences?

No one likes seeing their best players poached. Especially near the end of the season and especially to a team in your league; but what do you do if someone offers you money and the player has the chance to play full time football? And if you don’t sell he will leave for free in six weeks time.

I’ve heard eye watering sums of money about how much is spent just trying to run a National League South side. A million a season at Eastbourne Borough? Not that it has done them much good, as another popular kiss-me-quick seaside trip looks like its going down the sewage pipe.

Dorking Wanderers revenue is estimated at around £5.2 million! They’ve been hoovering up the best players in their push to be champions. But is there a glass ceiling for a market town team with a three sided ground coming up against ex league football giants? Meanwhile Torquay lost £742,000 last season and Chelmsford £800,000. One of last seasons relegated teams St.Albans City lost £225,000! Of course you’ve got to dream, but come on, really?

Can you sustain a club on just YouTube followers? Apparently not, as Hashtag United have retreated from the Isthmian Premier asking for voluntary relegation. Their owner is rightly complaining about the financial mess of football, which is a bit ironic as they powered up the leagues with a playing budget that blew everyone else out the way. They are moving in with Redbridge but surely a team has to be rooted in a place, have an identity more than just online likes?

Just over half of the 92 league football clubs have published accounts. Only 4 are profitable. Average pre tax loses? In the Premier League it’s £31.1. million, in the Championship £15.1 million, League One the average loss is £5 million and League Two it’s £2.6 million.

I give you Exhibit A. Port Vale currently bottom of League One lost £6.1 million last season gaining promotion. That’s £117,000 a week. That takes loses to over £17 million from when the company that currently owns it. They’ve got brilliant, forward thinking owners but blimey.

Exhibit B. AFC Wimbledon. As a supporters owned club they just can’t compete financially and are asking supporters if they are should dilute the fan owned model and find investors. One of the founders Ivor Heller said, “Football is out of control. The average loss in League One is £5 million. That’s just unsustainable. It’s insane...Everybody knows over time, if you’ve got constantly the lowest budget in the division, eventually you’re going to fall out of that division. Our problems are simple: our owners, our fans, are probably at the limits of what they can put in.” He said younger fans seem to car less about the value of fan ownership and want the club to find deep-pocketed owners to join the English Football League (EFL) arms race. One EFL owner said that more than half of the 72 clubs only have cashflow to last a month. “Finding a cure is going to be difficult, but there’s still more people going to football outside the Premier League every week than in the Premier League. That is something worth looking after.”

So what about little old Slough? Has it been a good season? On the pitch we’ve seen some brilliant results (I was certainty given a 60th Boxing Day birthday present to remember) but we've struggled with some serious injuries and looked down and out at one point. But I’m also interested in the way clubs run. I don’t want some flash in the pan YouTuber announcements and a hip hop DJ or former premier league star come rushing in all trumpets blowing, promising the earth. That Wrexham ship has sailed, although the wage inflation that they and Birmingham bought to the table is the reason so many clubs are in trouble. I want our club to be built on more than sand and I think it is. So I asked Ash, the Slough Town CEO a few questions.

How would you describe Sloughs financial model?

‘Sustainable but continued growth due to building multiple revenue streams not replying on match day revenue.’

What keeps you awake at night?

‘I sleep like a baby, but running any business is stressful. I have operated my own businesses since 2014 so have learnt how to compartmentalize stress on areas/environments I can't always affect.’

Can you see a time when the club would go full time?

‘I feel within the 2-3 years it will be imperative for us to remain competitive at this level and achieve promotion to the National League.’

With the Football regulator coming over the hill are things about to change? Under new licensing proposals, clubs will have to demonstrate that they have the financial resources to withstand major shocks such as relegation or withdrawal of owner funding – or risk the nuclear option of being banned from competing.

Football clubs are more than ninety minutes on the pitch and play an ever increasing, important role in their communities. Let’s hope the era of boom and bust will soon come to an end.

* The price of football podcast, well worth a listen 

HISTORIC RIVALS

Printed in the Berks and Bucks Cup semi final v Wycombe Wanderers Tuesday 24th March 2026  We drew 1-1 then lost 3-1 on penalties in front of 892

It was the 23rd March 1993. Wycombe Wanderers v Slough Town. A pivotal, high stakes encounter at Adam Parks; Sloughs last chance to challenge for the Conference National title.

I joined the regulars from the Wheatsheaf Pub which has always been full of Slough supporters up for travelling to the big games on unofficial coaches. The problem was getting people to leave the place – ‘come on, just one more pint’ – and so we inevitably always arrived late full of beer and full bladders. Usually that wasn’t a problem, but at Wycombe the ground was also full to bursting. A few of us more nimble ones jumped over the fence to watch the game while the less gymnastic watched from the hill side. The official attendance was 7,230 but unofficially it was a lot more and the record Conference crowd for many years. Slough lost by just one goal and Wycombe went on to win the Conference and promotion for the first ever time to the Football League.

That was 33 years ago. We eventually finished 5th. And that was the best it was ever going to get for the Rebels while Wycombe marched on and our oldest, bitterest rivals waved us goodbye. The two clubs have certainty been on different paths ever since, the blues reaching the Championship while we very nearly ended up in the dog and duck. We are still 4 leagues apart but at one point it was seven. To all intents and purposes the regular battles with Wycombe were over.

The following season we were relegated. We did bounce back at the first attempt and would spend another 3 seasons in the Conference, until despite finishing 8th we were unceremoniously dumped out of the league because it was said at the time we didn’t have enough seats in the ground. The owners didn’t want to invest but there was more to it it than that, and the club was in a right financial mess. Personally I always blamed the suspect tea hut. I mean, who drinks tea from a place next to a blokes urinals?

Soon it was the Rebels that started doing the wandering. Losing Wexham Park and groundsharing at Windsor then Beaconsfield for 14 years. The very survival of the club was in the balance as we went on an extended tour of market towns and villages; with our opposition seeming to take great joy in our demise while still happy to take the cash from our travelling fans, who despite the endless gloom kept the faith. Maidenhead were suddenly a bigger club and I don’t want to be disrespectful but when Burnham, Windsor and Beaconsfield and a host of other local teams are constantly putting one over you, well you can’t help daydream about days like that packed Tuesday night at Wycombe. Those teams might have been near neighbours but those games weren’t a touch on what we had against Wycombe. Worse, teams like Beaconsfield even defeated us in the play-offs at one point, fuelled by our rent and beer money. Like your mate running off with your wife after you move in temporarily with them while you’re waiting, praying for a place back home.

Slough have been playing Wycombe since 1901 a total of 153 times. But the rivalry really built in the 1970’s to the 1990s. Over 6,000 came to both of the FA Cup 1st round tie games, with the Rebels winning in the replay at the Dolphin Stadium and we challenged each other in the Isthmian and Conference leagues with games often on Boxing Day.

Moving away from their old fashioned slopping pitch at Loakes Park was a statement of intent for the club, and I remember their visiting supporters comparing the new Wexham Park to a farmyard. So what will they make of Arbour Park? Not that they will bother sending their first team. But for those of us old enough to remember this fixture, this means a lot and we really want some bragging rights, even if some of their younger and newer supporters don’t really pay much attention to little old Slough these days. I certainty always keep an eye out for their results and when I watch the English Football League highlights on a Sunday morning my coffee always tastes sweeter when they’ve lost.

AN ELEPHANT ON THE PITCH

 

Printed in the National League South game v Salisbury Saturday 14th March 2026  We drew 3-3 with a last minute wonder strike in front of 1181

As its community day I was going to start by talking about the time there was a penalty shoot out against an elephant – but let’s begin with Hornchurch.

One of those special away days that will live long in the memory (unlike the 30 stops on the tube to get there). Hornchurch like Slough are seriously punching above their weight. Yes they are another one of those full team teams in our league, but second is some feat. Like Chelmsford they play at an athletics stadium and you can only access three sides of the ground; infact the bar is so far away I had to order a taxi at half time to get there. And half the crowd didn’t even bother, sunning themselves with a beer on the big open terrace that overlooks the place. But it’s much more personable than Chelmsford; more character, friendlier, higgledy-piggledy. As the large Slough contingent gathered on various gantry's usually used for watching long-jump, we were treated to a first half masterclass of fast, attacking football. 2-0 to the Rebels at half time. The beers flowed (with every 5 returned cups, you got one beer free – they should definitely look at introducing deposit cups to Arbour Park). Then the bin juices flowed as Slough came under sustained second half pressure as Hornchurch eventually draw level. And then….a last gasp winner to turn the Rebel Army into a limb factory. What we’ve achieved since Christmas is remarkable, even more so with a patched up squad. Afterwards Scott Davies said ‘We can’t go shopping in Waitrose, we’re shopping in Lidl or Aldi’. That might be the case, but blimey the club know how to shop around for bargains.

If our scouting system deserves a medal, then so does our community activities. There is so much brilliant stuff that the club does it’s hard to keep up – and now there will be even more thanks to funding from the National League Trust. There will be a relaunch of the football programme for children with disabilities, blind and visually impaired football, sessions for people living with Parkinson's, dementia and other neurological conditions; recreational football for women and girls of all ages and abilities and Extra Time Hub, supporting older people through non football activities. They hope to run these all year round and they will all be free.

The club are also at the heart of Sloughs bid to be a UK Town of Culture which has led as you would expect to plenty of digs on social media. But not so long ago, our football club was a homeless basket-case, with some people telling us to knock it on the head. Now look at us! Surely it can’t do any harm to get people together to plan and dream? The club commercial director Steve Doyle has unsurprisingly been invited to join the steering group. He said “Our Club has always been at the heart of our community, bringing people together across generations and backgrounds through sport, shared passion, and local pride. This bid is a fantastic opportunity to showcase the creativity, energy, and cultural diversity that make Slough special—far beyond outdated stereotypes. I’m excited to help contribute the club’s perspective, build stronger community connections, and play a part in telling a confident, forward-looking story for the town.”

They are looking for your ideas. Here’s some of mine

Introduce a tram system similar to Croydon. Slough is constantly gridlocked, unsurprisingly really when every household seems to have at least two cars.

There are so many different places to eat from all over the world in the High Street. Play to those strengths. Build a food hall, with dirt cheap pitches for those that want to get their businesses off the ground. And of course a new pub or two.

Not a lot of people know that Slough is blessed with over 254 acres of parkland. Make these people and wildlife corridors that are loved and cherished where people want to use all the time.

But back to those elephants. It was way back in 1900. A penalty shoot out with our vice captain at the time George Werrell. A goalkeeper who made 257 appearance from 1897 to 1914. He managed to score one penalty but the Elephant saved the other two! Unfortunately for the elephant, Werrell saved all three of the animals kicks and won a goblet that he displayed in his hairdressers shop in the High Street. Let’s see if our community manager Ade can top that.

* You've got till 31st March to put your ideas forward about Sloughs Town of Culture bid.

SURREAL FOOTBALL

Printed in the National League South game v Hampton and Richmond Borough Tuesday 10th March 2026  We lost 3-1 in front of 511

Photos by Scott McNeish

Some games are dull, some are nail biting, some you forget as soon as the final whistle goes but some games are...well, just a bit surreal.

Away to AFC Totton on a Tuesday night. I’d been there before, but that was their last season in their old ground when we had been put in the Southern League South and West after relegation. Totton finished third and we finished way behind Windsor, Beaconsfield, Uxbridge, Burnham and Village with-one-bus-stop United, coming in at number 16. The following season we got shoved in the Midlands section. It was heady days for Slough supporters if you liked visiting new places, but not so good if you liked seeing us win football matches.

So The Snows Stadium was a new ground for me. They had been here since 2010 and had powered up the leagues, this being their first one in the National League South. Be rude not too. The coast train Brighton to Southampton then a short hop to the small town of Totton, with a population just under 29,000 and a train station ticket office that is staffed 5am till 10am. If that doesn’t shout commuter town then nothing will. Surprisingly, there are two teams in Totton - their grounds only one wayward shot apart but they are friendly neighbours working very closely together. AFC are also friendly with Southampton whose women's team play there.

But hang on. I was expecting Mrs. Miggins tea shops and New Forest ponies but was instead was served up a scrubbed up version of Slough. I know it was 17 years ago since my last visit, so my mind might have been playing tricks but I’m sure their old place felt more rural?

Instead of a country boozer we ended up parking at a nearby industrial estate and headed to one of those places that is neither restaurant or pub, but did do veggie sausage, mash and gravy. Me and Gaz the Sandwich had dinner with The Turnstile boys with their respective wife's Clubshop Sue and Lynn. We even got a blue tick discount. Or maybe it was Blue Badge. It was definitely something blue.

The turnstiles weren’t open so you had to enter through the plush clubshop - like an airport lounge where you a tempted with all that duty free and perfume before you board the plane. I stupidly hadn’t bought a cheaper ticket online beforehand so was stuck behind someone who wanted a key ring and some Totton spring water and seemed to be paying in half pence pieces. Hurry up mate, im going to miss happy hour. The friendly bar staff made sure we didn’t miss out on the beer bargains as we trundled out to….well look I don’t want to be rude but the ground seemed like it had taken its architectural inspiration from the Southampton shipping containers.

A Tuesday night that felt like spring after the endless rain that had wiped out so much lower league football, with some teams needing to play three times a night to catch up. And just as well it wasn’t raining as there was no cover unless you wanted a seat. But what’s that? A doughnut and candy floss stall, that’s a tick. All we needed now was a ride on the Waltzer. Mind you, one of our youngsters munched through a dry packet of chocolate Craze throughout the game instead. Surreal or Cereal? We were spaced out on terracing in the first half that made Arbour Park seem spacious. The pitch was heavy, no surprise with all that rain but according to a certain kit man smelt of manure. We did come through a kissing gate to get here, so maybe there was some nearby farms. We bought out some old classics like ‘xylophone on your head’ but this was a tambourine, because well the xylophone has seriously seen better days, just like some of the Slough supporters.

The crowd was announced as 1,236, but I’m not sure where they were, maybe hiding in a shipping container? Everyone huffed and puffed and we finally got an equaliser and held on for another important point. Just like Dover didn’t deserve a point at Arbour Park, I’m not sure we really did, buy hey that’s football. Although when it comes to the games against Dover this season, I’m not sure football is an apt description. The first game was played on a pitch that would be better suited to mud wrestling, the home game was also like a battle ground with Slough players the casualties.

Getting back from Bath to Brighton on a Tuesday night involves sleeping in a ditch for the evening so I missed it along with our first class keeper who had got a better offer of full time football and was off. I don’t blame him, but blimey I was worried as I tuned into Rebels Radio. The commentators Gary Unruly Beard and Finnan (part of the McNeish media mafia) reported that not much was going on as the chat descended into famous names who’ve lived in Slough and owners who cut off their managers heads if they lose two games on the trot. Oh and guess the crowd, which is kind of hard when you’re listening on the radio. And then we nicked 3 points thanks to a goal from you-know-who. At least no ones poached him from us yet. As now seems football supporters tradition the Bath supporters booed their team off while our 50 ecstatic fans jumped for joy as we edged ever closer to safety in the National League South for another season. That’s definitely worth celebrating with a doughnut and a pint.